Please put more jokes here

[shaunbhoy]

Just heard there's a cure been found for dyslexia.
It's music to my arse

[shaunbhoy]

GET free food from your local takeaway by walking in wearing a crash helmet, nodding and picking up any bags on the counter.

[shaunbhoy]

TEMPS. The best way to remember all your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the fridge.

[shaunbhoy]

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant, and we found a match in Argentina, the operation was a success.

Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.

[shaunbhoy]

I find the hardest thing about tracing long lost relatives is getting them to stay still when you press the paper onto their face.

[shaunbhoy]

Can someone help me translate the foreign words on this menu - like "hors d'oeuvres" for starters.

[shaunbhoy]

HIGHWAYS AGENCIES. Spray painting circles around potholes is a cheap alternative to filling them

[MonkeysUncle]

A horses Bet

(Apologies if a duplicate)
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of money on the counter.
"How do i win that?" he asks the bartender
Bartender, " There's a horse outside, if you can make him laugh you get the money"
"OK" says the man.
He downs a shot and goes outside, minutes later the bartender can hear the horse laughing, the guy walks in and takes the jar.
Bartender " double or nothing, i bet you cant make the horse cry!"
"You're on" says the man. He goes outside and sure enough a few minutes later the horse is crying his eyes out.
The man walks in with a big grin "where's my money?".
Astonished the bartender gives him the cash, "I have to know, how did you make the horse laugh?"

"Simple" said the man, "I just told him I had a bigger d*ck then him"
"OK...." said the bartender, "so then how did you make him cry?"
"I showed him!!!"

Ill be here all night folks?

[LondonManc]

It turns out Santa's wife is a dominatrix, which obviously makes Santa a subordinate clause.

[BrilloPad]

Three guys are captured by a tribe of natives in a far off land. They are brought before the tribal leader who gives them a choice. He says, "what will you have, death or bunga?". The first guys thinks, hmmm wonder what bunga is. "I'll take the bunga". The tribal leader says, "good". Then a dozen tribal members line up and give it to him in the rear.

The tribal leader turns to the second guy and gives him the choice, death, or bunga. The second guy thinks, hmm, that bunga thing is pretty nasty. But death is permanent, "I'll take the bunga". Tribal leader says, "good", and a hundred tribesmen line up and give him the bunga.

The tribal leader gives the choice to the third captive. He thinks a while, hmm, first it was a dozen, then it was a hundred, I don't know man. Heck with it, "I'll take death". The tribal leader says, "good, death .... by bunga".