Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got
back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked,
"How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned
Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never
heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got
to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"

"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so
awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so
embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother
these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust,
wash, iron, cook!"

[BrilloPad]

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.

Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was
perfect. However, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from
her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks
up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in
the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"

The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure lady, which way was it
headed?"

[BrilloPad]

Never buy a dwarf with a learning disability.
It's not big and it's not clever.

[BrilloPad]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly
seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A noddyroach will live nine days without its head before it starves
to death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached
to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

[BrilloPad]

*Signs She's Getting Bored Having Sex With You*

When you request sex, she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."

Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"

Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.

Only moans during commercial breaks.

Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.

You find yourself sitting backstage at the Jerry Springer show.

Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a WAV file.

Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.

Keeps asking, "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

Holds up a picture of the Playboy centrefold to hurry you along.

She yells out her own name.

Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin

[BrilloPad]

Stress Management techniques:

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No-one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world".
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

[BrilloPad]

Grandma and Grandpa are watching an evangelical healing service on the telly. The preacher tells viewers to place one hand on the TV and one hand on the part of the body they wish to be healed.
Grandma slowly hobbles to the TV set, places one hand on the set and the other on her painful, arthritic shoulder.
Then Grandpa goes to the TV, places one hand on the set and the other on his crotch.
Grandma scowls and says: ‘You just don’t get it, do you? The ideal is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead.’


An old woman goes to the doctor to ask for some Viagra for her husband. ‘It comes in three doses,’ he says. ‘There’s 25 per cent – to make it rise a few degrees: 50 per cent – to bring it up about halfway, and 100 per cent – pointing at the ceiling.’
‘Hmmmmm,’ says the old woman, ‘I’ll take a box of the 50 per cent stuff.’
‘Most folk go for the 100 per cent stuff, says the doctor, ‘to guarantee top-quality sex.’
‘Oh,’ says the woman, it’s only to stop the old git from peeing in his slippers.’


A man walks into a shop. While he’s browsing an assistant whispers: ‘Sir, your barrack doors are open.’
He gives her a bemused look and carries on shopping. A while later a man taps him on the shoulder and explains his flies are undone.
Understanding what the shop assistant meant, he walks to her checkout and says: ‘When you saw my barrack doors open, did you notice a muscular soldier standing to attention/’
‘No,’ she says. ‘I just saw a wrinkly veteran sitting on two knackered duffel bags.’

[BrilloPad]

Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed
to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games,
other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The
IRB Rugby World Cup 2003 Organising Committee has now agreed to the
following pre-match displays:

a.. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the
air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they
invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that
everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.


b.. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before
smashing an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.


c.. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half
performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional
route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents
dressing room.


d.. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh
suggestion following representations from the RSPCA.


e.. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition
territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be
forcibly removed by the match stewards.


f.. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more
important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts
whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.


g.. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future
years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the
most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film
called 'Saving No.8 Lyle'.


h.. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the
rest of the team to ransom.


i.. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the
female stewards and then run away.


j.. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and
then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They
will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when
their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.


k.. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good
salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at
high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a
subsidy from the UK Government).


l.. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the
opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the
halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the
delight of Wales!) and burn the officials.


m.. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative
singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their
mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush.

[BrilloPad]

1. Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

2. Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

3. There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.

4. Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and
wisdom to do their job properly.

5. Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.

6. Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility tomorrow.

7. Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability to continually
confirm what I think.

8. Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!

9. Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity
slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average
office.

10. It's the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be without Ringo? If
John got Yoko to play drums the history of music would be completely different.

11. What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in
winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts in
the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel
do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.

12. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

13. Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

14. If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork
and imagine him in jail.

15. If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you
probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.

16. You don't have to be mad to work here! In fact we ask you to complete a
medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not.

17. If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never
guess that you're trying to get them sacked.

18. If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

19. You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.

20. If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

21. Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who
do.

22. There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug
colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure.

23. Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in
promotion to a job you can't do.

24. Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under
your desk.

25. Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never
quit are idiots.

26. If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an
hour and enjoy your breakfast.

27. Remember the 3 golden rules: 1. It was like that when I got here. 2. I
didn't do it. 3. (To your Boss) I like your style.

28. The office is like an army, and I'm the field general. You're my
footsoldiers and customer quality is the WAR!!!

29. Set out to leave the first vapour trail in the blue-sky scenario.

30. Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on than
illumination.

31. A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or
just half of someone else’s?

32. Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?....

33. You don't have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well
presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober!!

34. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just
some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.

35. Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin
without reading them.

[BrilloPad]

4 KINDS OF SEX:

HOUSE SEX
When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX
After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX
After you've been married for many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "F**K YOU"

COURTROOM SEX
Your wife & her lawyer f**k you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got