Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

From the Manchester Guardian Weekly, Oct. 6, 1991


This dead parrot is difunto
---------------------------

By John Hooper in Madrid

A question left hanging by John Cleese-- what is the value of a dead parrot?--
has finally been resolved by a Barcelona judge. His honour Antonio Nunio
de la Rosa has ruled that a dead parrot is worth 150,000 pesetas ($815).

He was awarding damages to Maria del Carmen Dotras, whose parrot (male,
green) died, passed away, turned moribund, ceased to exist, and, in short,
became defunct two years ago in the city's Vall d'Hebron hospital. Ms. Dotras,
who lives with her mother, had owned the bird for 23 years, since she was 12.

Her family doctor suspected the parrot might be the cause of an allergy
her mother had developed. He wanted it to have a blood test, and told her
it would be better done by a doctor than a vet. This proved not to be the
case.

According to Ms. Dotras, the doctors virtually suffocated the bird by
putting a towel over its head, and took out six times as much blood as they
were supposed to. Eventually, a consultant ordered it to be put out of its
misery.

Ms. Dotras put the dead bird in the freezer, to facilitate an autopsy. In
fact, the deep freezing made it impossible to determine the cause of death.

But as Judge Nunio de la Rosa observed in judgement-- passages of which might
have come from a Monty Python script: "The parrot has been deceased, and
cannot be revived." He decided the hospital authorities and the doctor
responsible should pay the sum equivalent to a new bird. He dismissed
Ms. Dotra's claim for damages of one million pesetas ($5,435). This had been
based, in part, on th argument that her parrot could talk.

Drawing a fine distinction that will be of assistance in future, similar
cases, the judge ruled that it merely "articulated sounds similar to those
of people." "If the parrot had been able to talk," he reasoned, "it would
have complained."

[BrilloPad]

What is the proper medical term for the CIRCUMCISION of a rabbit?
A Hare Cut.

[BrilloPad]

This is a brief introduction to GAG, a new action group designed to help
out those who are less fortunate than us. Yes, you know who I am talking
about. Germs. GAG (Germs Are Good), is a group for the protection of
innocent germs.

Have you ever thought about the thousands and thousands and thousands of
Germs you are killing when you take unnecessary medicine? No, I bet you
haven't. Well, now is the time to take notice.

GAG will be forming a Political Action Committee (PAC), to lobby for the
banning of all antibiotics, sterilization equipment and the establishment
of local neighborhood germ growing areas.

Addresses and Membership Information will be posted in the next few days.

Our Creedo... Remember, when you take that medicine, GAG.

The protection of Germs rights is of the upmost priority. A civilization
is judged not on it's technical prowess, but on how it treats it's germs.

[BrilloPad]

Heard that Hollywood is making a movie about the dangers of casual sex?
Its called "Germs of Endearment"

[BrowneIssue]

On the third day, Jesus rose, rolled back the stone covering the entrance to His tomb, and walked again upon the earth.

As he was leaving, a passer-by saw Him and pointed at the tomb Jesus had left open.

"Oi, you!" he said. "Were you born in a barn?"

[BrilloPad]

A young man called John wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away.
He consulted with his sister and decided that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to the Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves.

His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and John got the knickers.

Good old John sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:

Dear Sasha,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister
I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three
weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that
they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love
John.

P.S.
My sister tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

[BrilloPad]

Recently a "Husband Shopping Centre" opened in Booragoon, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands... First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went. Second floor The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." Hmmm, said the ladies. But, I wonder what's further up? Third floor This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow! said the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they went. Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids,are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went. Fifth floor The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are ******* impossible to please. Thankyou and goodbye.

[BrilloPad]

An American woman of 37 wanted to get married, but she was only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decided to take out a personal ad. She ended up corresponding with a man who had lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. They ended up getting a personal ad. She ended up corresponding with a man who had lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. They ended up getting married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returned to the bedroom, she found her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asked. "I've never been with a woman,” he said, "but if it's anything like ****ing a kangaroo. I'm gonna need all the room I can get"

[BrilloPad]

ANTI-DISCLAIMER - This email is not and cannot, by its nature, be
confidential. En route from me to you, it will pass across the public
Internet, easily readable by any number of system administrators along the
way. If you have received this message by mistake, it would be ridiculous
for me to tell you not to read it or copy to anyone else, because, let's
face it, if it's a message revealing confidential information or that
could embarrass me intensely, that's precisely what you'll do. Who
wouldn't? Likewise, it is superfluous for me to claim copyright in the
contents, because I own that anyway, even if you print out a hard copy or
disseminate this message all over the known universe. I don't know why so
many corporate mail servers feel impelled to attach a disclaimer to the
bottom of every email message saying otherwise. If you don't know either,
why not email your corporate lawyers and system administrators and ask
them why they insist on contributing so much to the waste of bandwidth.

[BrilloPad]

This is how it should be played ......... or has nothing changed?

Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and
lunchtime.
Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and
although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play may
continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the "bottle" of the participants.

There is a sliding scale from those who hasten to 'stand in line' as soon as the bell rings. These are known as "poofs", to those who will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their G & T's and journey from the staff room, known as "chancers". And finally, to those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically retrieve them, known as "nutters".

It is important, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs,
chancers and nutters in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained
period of play is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five nutters against one. The scoreline, carried over from the previous period of the match, is in the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play.


PARAMETERS

The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of jackets,in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather. It is important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out cross the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the post" and is thus disallowed.

In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height, regardless of the height of the keeper. The width of the pitch is variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has to go before the pursuing defender gives up.

At free kicks, the scale of the pitch justifies placing a wall of players
eighteen inches from the ball. It is the formal response to "yards", which
the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.


TACTICS

Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation.
Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance - from e.g.
4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2, the playground side is usually more rigid in sticking
to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation.


STOPPAGES

Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring
treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows more freely, with play continuing around or even on top of a participant who has fallen - or more likely been pushed - over.


OTHER STOPPAGES

1. Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time itself is
negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt, to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return to play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck ball and any others he claims it may have struck before entering into forbidden territory.

2. Bigger boys steal the ball. The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves,
occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them.
Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick
retrieval and restart.

3. Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the street or
local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed,
ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array of
failures that has been her life, to nine-year-olds, who have committed the
heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet 'Line of Death'.
Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to
play with it properly".


CELEBRATION

Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands in the air. But making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross.

A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard rocket (actually eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's not a full-size pitch") will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more magnanimous of the opponents. However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with the epithet "****ing poacher!" from the opposing defence. The preferred alternative is "****ing goal-hanger!!"

Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker. Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when the defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking.


PENALTIES

At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will
defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one
more for a hat trick. In the playground the best player usually takes the
penalties but he may defer to the 'best fighter' or if the side is
comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty.

Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties