Please put more jokes here

[Money Money Money]

What Makes 100%
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all
been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and, Attitude will get you there, Bulltulip and Ass kissing will put you over the top.

[BrilloPad]

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business
executives will. Now, for the first time we have a rigid Mathematical
proof that explains why this is in fact true.

Postulate 1: Knowledge is power.

Postulate 2: Time is money.

As every Engineer knows, Work / Time = Power

Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have Work / Money =
Knowledge

Solving for Money, we get: Work / Knowledge = Money Thus, as Knowledge
approaches zero,

Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

[Chantho]

What Makes 100%
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all
been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and, Attitude will get you there, Bulltulip and Ass kissing will put you over the top.

Chan

But ARSEKISSING is worth even more, so those who suck up in the UK are better off than their US counterparts...

[Cooperinliverp00l]

It's an old one but very bad......

Boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is doing the washing up.
"Mom, Grandma has got a prawn" his says to her
"What do you mean grandma has got a prawn" the mother replies
So the boy takes the mother into the lounge where the grandma is lying naked on the sofa.
He points and says again "see grandma has got a prawn"
The mother smiles and says "no son that's not a prawn that's your grandmothers Cl it tor ious"
The boy looks to his mom all confused and replies "oh right.....well it tasts like prawn"

[Goldenboy]

Little boy runs in to see his mother after being out with his dad, and says "Mummy, mummy, me and daddy have seen a robot walking down the street".
"How do you know it was a robot?" asks the little boys mum
"Well daddy said he would like to screw the arse of her" replies the little boy

[BrilloPad]

President Bush is representing the United States of America on a highly
formal, impeccably planned state visit to England. At Heathrow, a
300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush
strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central
London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six
magnificent white matching horses. As they ride toward Buckingham
Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering
Britons lining the streets, all is going well. But suddenly the right
rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending,
eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British
Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes
the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their
best to ignore the whole incident but then the Queen decides that's
ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please
accept my regrets....I'm sure you understand that there are some things
that even a Queen cannot control".

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "You Majesty, please don't
give the matter another thought......you know, if you hadn't said
something I would have thought it was one of the horses."

[BrilloPad]

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to
report her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy
hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is
good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches,
chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yeah, but who wants HIM back?"

[BrilloPad]

The psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "Mr.
Black is in the waiting room asking to see you again. This time he claims
he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."

[BrilloPad]

An explorer became lost in a far-off land. He wandered for days, unable
to find food, and finally in desperation he killed, cooked and ate his pet
dog.

Afterwards, surveying the pathetic pile of bones which remained, he was
overcome with emotion as the thought occurred to him...

..."Rover would have loved those"

[BrilloPad]

A Memo from Finance Dept.
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning
in time sheets that specify large amounts of 'Miscellaneous Unproductive
Time'(code #5000).

To FD, unproductive time is not a problem. What is a problem, however, is
not knowing exactly what you are doing with your unproductive time. The
newly installed Activity Based Costing Financial System requires
additional information to achieve its goals.

Attached below is a sheet specifying an Extended Task Code List based on
observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify
with greater precision what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about
any difficulties you may encounter.

Extended Task Code List

Code Description

5001 Surfing the net - non business related
5002 Surfing the net - business related
5010 Reading/writing social email
5013 Sharing social e-mail (see codes #5005, #5004)
5014 Collecting jokes and other humorous material via e-mail
5015 Forwarding jokes and other humorous material via e-mail
5016 Faxing jokes and other humorous material to friends not on e-mail
5200 Photocopying private material
5201 Photocopying pornographic material
5202 Photocopying body parts
5316 Meeting to chat
5317 Obstructing communications at meetings
5318 Attempting to sound knowledgeable while in meetings
5319 General diversionary activities to maintain consciousness in
meetings
5320 Waiting (unspecified)
5321 Waiting for break
5322 Waiting for lunch
5323 Waiting for end of day
5324 Waiting for end of week
5325 Waiting for end of month
5326 Waiting for boss to leave
5327 Waiting for something to happen
5328 Waiting for helpdesk to answer
5329 Waiting for Unix Admins to do something

5330 Vicious verbal attacks directed at co-worker
5331 Vicious verbal attacks directed at co-worker (co-worker not
present)
5390 Covering for incompetence of co-worker
5391 Explaining to co-worker how he/she should cover for you
5400 Explaining concepts to co-worker who is not interested in learning
5401 Explaining concepts to co-worker who is stupid
5402 Explaining concepts to co-worker who hates you
5403 Explaining concepts to co-worker who hates you because you wouldn't
sleep with them
5481 Buying snacks
5482 Eating snacks
5483 Going to kitchen to make tea / coffee.
5484 Mopping up spilt tea/coffee from desk
5500 Filling out time sheets
5501 Inventing time sheet entries
5503 Scratching
5504 Sleeping
5505 Wandering aimlessly along corridors in the hope of finding someone
to talk to
5510 Feeling bored
5600 Bitching about lousy job (see code #5610)
5601 Bitching about low pay (see code #5610)
5602 Bitching about long hours (see code #5610)
5603 Bitching about co-worker (see codes #5322, #5323)
5604 Bitching about boss (see code #5610)
5605 Bitching about personal problems
5610 Searching for a new job
5640 Miscellaneous unproductive bitching
5701 Not actually present at job
5703 Working from home
5704 Suffering from eight-hour flu
6102 Ordering carry-out
6103 Waiting for food delivery to arrive
6104 Taking it easy while digesting food
6200 Using office resources for personal profit
6201 Stealing office goods
6202 Making excuses after accidentally destroying office goods
6203 Using office phone to make long-distance personal calls
6206 Gossiping
6207 Shuffling uncomfortably when gossip subject enters office
6208 Planning social events
6209 Recovering from social events
6210 Feeling sorry for self
6221 Pretending to work while boss is watching
6222 Pretending to enjoy job
6223 Pretending to like co-workers
6224 Pretending to like important people
6225 General sucking-up
6238 Miscellaneous unproductive fantasising
6601 Running own business on company time (see code #6604)
6602 Complaining
6603 Complaining that you're too busy to worry about redundancy
6604 Writing a book in company time
6605 Planning a holiday on company time
6611 Staring into space (see code #6616)
6612 Staring at computer screen (blank)
6613 Staring at screen saver
6614 Editing settings on screen saver
6615 Videoconferencing
6616 Transcendental meditation
6700 Walking round site (internal) with piece of paper
6701 Walking round site (external) with clip-board
6702 Looking important (general)
7400 Talking with divorce lawyer on phone
7401 Talking with plumber on phone
7402 Talking with garage on phone
7403 Talking with doctor on phone
7404 Talking with masseuse on phone
7405 Talking with house painter on phone
7406 Talking with personal therapist on phone
7407 Comparing company cars
7419 Talking with miscellaneous paid professional on phone
7425 Talking with mistress/toy boy on phone (also see code #7400)
7435 Placing bets on phone
7931 Asking co-worker for aid in illicit activities
8000 Recreational drug use
8001 Non-recreational drug use
8003 General desperation
9000 Putting things in boxes for a desk move
9001 Taking things out of boxes after a desk move
9002 Searching for things lost during a desk move.
9003 Stealing things to replace things lost during a desk move