Please put more jokes here

[Spacecadet]

Girlfriend said that a small penis shouldn't get in the way of a great relationship...

... I can see her point but still wish she didn't have one

[SimonMac]

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station......

[Spacecadet]

A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church. The priest says, "We don't allow Higgs bosons in here." Puzzled, the Higgs boson replies, "But without me, how can you have mass?"

[ASB]

Socrates

In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though, because there is a third test, the Filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not exactly useful."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True, Good, or even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was screwing his missus.

[ASB]

I am pissed off. Some women would be over the moon to be woken on their birthday with flowers, a lovely cooked breakfast and 20 minutes of amazing oral sex.....

But, oh no. Not my sister.

[BrilloPad]

You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks

[Alias]

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

[Alias]

Why is acne better than a catholic priest?

...

Because acne doesn't come onto your face until you're a teenager!

[ASB]

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.

So, they brought the cow over from Scotland.

It was absolutely wonderful, She produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow, but
whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

"My wife is from Scotland"

[BrilloPad]

There is a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house. This is due the antelope's powerful hind-legs and the fact that the average house cannot jump.