Please put more jokes here

[shaunbhoy]

Elizabeth Fritzl has Facebooked the Chilean Miners. "Seventy days underground? Big ******* deal!!"

[FiveTimes]

What do you get if you cross a ball and Emile Heskey ?

A goal kick

[shaunbhoy]

Little Johnny goes into school and the teacher asks him "Where were you yesterday Johnny?"

Johnny says "Sorry Miss, I couldn't come in, my daddy got burnt"

Teacher says "Oh I'm sorry to hear that Johnny. Nothing too serious I hope?"

Johnny says "Well they don't fook about down the Crematorium!"

[shaunbhoy]

Man answers phone and says "Hello?"
Woman's voice says "Hi...its me....Jane"
Man replies "Jane???.....Jane??...Do I know you Jane?"
Woman says "Yes. Jane? We met at a Party about 6-8 months ago, and you said I was a real good sport?"
Man says "Oh yeah! THAT Jane!! Well, how are you Jane?"
Woman says "Pregnant.................and I'm about to jump off a 10-storey building!!"
Man says "Say.............you ARE a good sport Jane!!"

[shaunbhoy]

Family are in a field putting their tent up.
The son notices a horse across the field from them that is starting to get aroused.
He turns to his mum and says "Hey Mum. What is that between that horse's legs?"
Mum looks over and says "Don't worry about it. Its nothing"
Son replies "But look mum! It is huge. What is it?"
Mum repeats "I told you, its nothing. Don't worry about it"
The son decides to ask his Dad instead. He says "Dad? What is that thing between that horse's legs?"
The dad responds "That's its knob son!"
Boy replies "Oh. Mum said it was nothing"
Dad replies "Well your mother has been spoiled!"

[EternalOptimist]

I know its a long shot and i shouldn't really be asking you but i need a big massive favour, i really dont like to ask, cos i know you do loads for me as it is, and i wouldn't ask if i wasn't desperate but I would really, really appreciate it if i could possibly borrow your face for halloween

from my dear daughter

[shaunbhoy]

Ah, Scouse humour. From twitter:

At Liverpool Airport statue of John Lennon reads “ABOVE US ONLY SKY”Someone has written next to it “BELOW US ONLY WOLVES AND WEST HAM

[Money Money Money]

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.

“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.

“You did WHAT?! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

[Money Money Money]

The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country. Count down to #1...

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the

speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can

write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think

it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that

again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are

drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go

to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo. "

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend

of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

The envelope please.....................

AND THE WINNER IS ...



#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

[ASB]

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

An MP was seated next to a little girl on a plane so he turned to her
and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the
total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the MP, "How about global warming, universal
health care, or quantative easing?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you
a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -
grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that
is?"

The MP, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to
discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when
you don't know tulip?"