Please put more jokes here

[Money Money Money]

33 miners trapped underground?

Sounds like Fritzl upped his game.

[Money Money Money]

I recently suggested to my wife that she try masturbating with fruit.

She went ******* bananas.

[singhr]

Who was the last 15 stone man to ride a Derby winner?

.....

Lester Piggott's cell mate.

[fantasyhack]

A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mom am I a real polar bear?"
"Of course you are." His mother replied.

The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?"
"Yes, you are a real polar bear."

A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said his parents.

Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother.

"Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm ******* freezing!

[FiveTimes]

I woke up this morning at 8 and I could just smell that something was wrong.
I got downstairs and the wife was face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing.

I panicked, didn't know what to do

...
...

Then I remembered McDonalds serve breakfast until 10.30

[Money Money Money]

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says,

"All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine".

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies,

"Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!"

[shaunbhoy]

Woman arrives at the pearly gates and rings the bell to be allowed in.
Peter comes to the door and says "What do you want?"
The woman says "I want to come in"
Peter says "Why?"
Woman says "I want to be reunited with my husband"
Peter says "What was his name?"
Woman says "Ted Smith"
Peter says "Well we have a lot of "Ted Smiths" in here. Is there anything you can tell me about him that will allow me to work out which one is yours?"
Woman says "Well, he did say on his deathbed that if I was ever unfaithful, he would turn in his grave"
"Ah" says Peter "You mean Spinning Ted Smith!!"

[shaunbhoy]

You can say a lot of bad things about paedophiles..........but at least they always drive slowly past schools!!


A woman said "I wish I could have bigger breasts."
Her husband said "Try pushing them into the settee and then staying like that all day"
The woman said "Will that help?"
Husband says "Well it worked on your arse!"

[shaunbhoy]

A Policeman came to my door last night and held up a photo of a woman.
He said "Do you know this woman?"
I replied "Yes. She's my wife. Why?"
He said "It looks like she's been in a car accident"
I said "I know, but she has a lovely personality!"



I was in Tesco's today with 2 full trollies of booze plus some party stuff when a little old lady got behind me in the queue.
She only had a pint of milk, so I said "Is that all you've got love?"
She replied "Yes". So I did the decent thing and said "If I were you I'd fook off to another till, I'm gonna be ages!!"

[shaunbhoy]

Two priests at a bucking bronco contest. One manages to stay on for 10 minutes.
His mate says "Jesus, that was great. How did you manage that?"
"Easy" says the first one "One of the Altar boys is epileptic!"



My Uncle was a rubbish ventriloquist. He used to put his fingers up my arse and ask me not to say anything.



Need cheering up? Watch your wedding video backwards. You'll fooking love the bit where she takes off the ring, walks down the aisle, then jumps in the car and buggers off!!



Man buys his wife a fur coat made out of 3000 hamster skins. Took her to Blackpool for the weekend, couldn't get her off the big wheel for 2 days!!!