Please put more jokes here

[Money Money Money]

In a recent survey 6 out of 7 dwarfs said they weren't happy.

[Robot]

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank Of Ireland it
was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password : he replied

''Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid? Sure Oi was told me password had
to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''

[Robot]

How to get to Heaven from Scotland...

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday
school class to see if they understood the
concept of getting into heaven.


I asked them, "If I sold my house and my
car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me
into heaven?"


"NO!" the children answered.


"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
the garden and kept everything tidy, would
that get me into heaven?"


Again, the answer was 'No!'


By now I was starting to smile.


"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
gave sweeties to all the children, and
loved my husband, would that get me
into heaven?"


Again, they all answered 'No!'


I was just bursting with pride for them.


I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted,

"Yuv goat tae be fukin' deid"

Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir e'e...

[Robot]

A teacher asked her class how many of them were Gordon Brown fans.

Not really knowing what a Brown fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny..



The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again.



Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not a Brown fan.'



The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Brown fan?'



Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Conservative.'



The teacher asked him why he's a Conservative.



Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mum's a Conservative and my Dad's a Conservative, so, I'm a Conservative.'



Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'



With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'A Gordon Brown fan.'

[monkeyboy]

Is it too early to start telling jokes about the Haiti earthquake or should we wait until the dust settles ?

Yea I've been there, had 24 aftershocks and couldn't find my ******* house..

[Swiss Tony]

I told my friends we should all do impersonations of The Rock.

I was met with raised eyebrows.

[Swiss Tony]

h

The middle of nowhere

[darmstadt]

Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day & said,
'Alastair , I have a great idea!?

We are going to go all out to win back Middle England '.

'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.

'Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some
proper wellies, a stick & a flat cap, Oh & a Labrador.

Then we'll really look the part.. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in
Much Something or other & we'll show we really enjoy the countryside,
......... Oh! & remember not to mention the Hunting With Dogs Act'

'Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out & with the
requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London .

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for & found a
lovely country pub &, with the dog, went in & up to the bar.

'Good evening Landlord, two pints of you best ale, from the wood please'
said Brown

'Good evening, Prime Minister' said the landlord, 'two pints of best it is,
coming up'

Brown & Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes, nodding
now & again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly at
their feet..

As they drank their beer they chatted about how heart-rending it was that
pensioners were being imprisoned for not paying the council tax.

All of a sudden the door from the adjacent bar opened & in came a grizzled
old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador lifted its
tail & looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders & walked back to the other
bar.

A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same
procedure, to the bewilderment of Brown & Darling. People of all ages &
gender followed suit over the next hour. Eventually, unable to stand it any
longer, Darling called the landlord over. 'Tell me' said Darling, 'Why did
all those people come in & look under the dog's tail like that??? Is it an
old country custom?

'Good Lord no,' said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told them
that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes'

[Swiss Tony]

The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the roof.

[EternalOptimist]

Old Ednas Chrismas Letter To God


There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day he got one addressed to God.
He opened it. It said:

Dear god,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened & read.

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing.
I think it might have been those **stards at the post office.

Sincerely,

Edna