Please put more jokes here

[darmstadt]

Subject: 10 times normal size

I'll bet that subject (above) got your attention!!

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, 'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?'

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body part that increases ten times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued. 'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.'

[darmstadt]

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after
playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing
this playtime?'

Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand box'


'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell "sand" on the blackboard, I
will give you a biscuit'

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'

Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher. 'If you can spell "box" on the blackboard, I
will also give you a biscuit'

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.
Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box
with Becky and Freddie?'

'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time
I went near them they started throwing sand at me and calling me nasty names'

'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant racial
discrimination to me -


I tell you what, if you can spell "blatant racial discrimination" I will
give you a biscuit'

[darmstadt]

A doctor in Ireland wants to get off work and go hunting, so he approaches his assistant.

"Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic," he says. "I want you to take care of the clinic and all me patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks, "So, Seamus, how was your day?"

Seamus tells him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol."

"Bravo, Seamus, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir," says Seamus.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door op ens and a woman bursts into the room. Quick as a wink she undresses herself, tearing off every stitch of clothing including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table. She spreads her legs and shouts, "Help me, I beg you! It's been five years since I've seen a man!"

"Thunderin' Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

[darmstadt]

Why do some men wear earrings?


I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the
answer.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing
an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative
fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'

The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'

'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring', he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods
him to say, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?'

'Ever since my wife found it in my car.'

[darmstadt]

Sick Leave


I urgently needed a few days off work,

But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy"
Then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So, that the Boss
might think I was
"Crazy" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in
the name of good GOD are you doing ?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out."

Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "...And
where do you think you're going?!"

She said,

"I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!!

[darmstadt]

An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?

[darmstadt]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently
been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was
to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at
his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon,
she'd come and pick me up from school.'

[darmstadt]

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the
Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm
a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be
mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black
hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both
sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have
sex?" The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for
the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" the doctor said. "It's rust."

[darmstadt]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in
the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger
than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me
all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain
the toy . . you explain the kids."

[darmstadt]

Did you hear about the priest in Ireland, who kept running down the
English?

He would renounce his congregation of sinners by yelling, "If you don't
act better your all going to hell with the ENGLISHMEN!"

One day the bishop called him in, and told him that if he didn't quite
denouncing the English, he would be demoted and transffered.

The priest agreed, and in his next sermon, he told the story of the
betrayal of Jesus.

"Jesus looked at all of the apostles one at a time and said 'TONIGHT,
ONE OF YOU WILL BETRAY ME!'"

"Peter said, 'Its not I is it master?'"

"Jesus just looked at Judas"

"Judas, realizing the steady gaze of THE LORD upon him said, 'Blimy
govenor, you wouldn't think it was me would you?'"