What do cats eat on a hot day?
Mice cream.
Mice cream.
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Aberdonian Farmers
Two Aberdonian farmers, Hamish and Jock, were sitting in a bar drinking beer. Hamish turns to Jock and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the college and sign up for some classes."
Jock thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day Hamish goes down to the college and meets the Lecturer, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Hamish says. "What's that?"
The Lecturer says, "I'll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?"
"Aye"
"Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a garden."
"That's true, I do have a garden."
"I'm not done," the Lecturer says. "Because you have a garden, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Aye, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Aye, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing you were able to find out all of that because I have a strimmer." Excited to take the class now, Hamish shakes the Lecturers's hand and leaves to meet Jock at the pub.
He tells Jock about his classes, and how he's signed up for Maths, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jock says, "What's that?"
Hamish says, "I'll show you. Do you have a strimmer?"
"No."
"Then... you must be gay!"Comment
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Smart Dad
Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his computer-obessed son .
Jack: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice"
Son : "I will choose my own bride".
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."
Next Jack approaches Bill Gates
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates : "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President : "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need."
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case....."
This is how business is done!!Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.
C.S. LewisComment
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Why is this in the joke thread? Worthy of a thread in general.....Originally posted by Board Game Geek View Post
WEll done BGG
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Twin sisters are turning 100, and a photographer is taking pictures. One twin is hard of hearing.
The photographer asks the sisters to sit on the sofa for him.
‘What did he say?’ asks the deaf sister.
‘We’ve got to sit down,’ says the other.
‘Now move closer,’ the man asks.
‘What did he say?’ calls the deaf sister.
‘He said we’ve got to squeeze together.’
‘I need to focus,’ the photographer adds.
‘What now?’ demands the deaf sister.
‘He’s going to focus.’
The deaf twin grins… ‘What? Both of us?’
Q. How do porcupines make love?
A. Very carefully.
Q. Why did the monkey paint his testicles red?
A. To hide in the berry bush.
A woman’s husband was so hairy that every time he went to the zoo he had to buy two tickets. One to get in and one to get out.Comment
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Togo bus shootings: 200 attempts and only 3 shots on target - police have now moved their suspicions to Dimitar Berbatov"Wait, I still function!"Comment
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I saw three men standing in the road, throwing rice at each other.
I asked them what they were doing and they said they were having a pilau fight."Wait, I still function!"Comment
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I like to party hard.
Trouble is, it's a bit tricky to dance while sporting an erection."Wait, I still function!"Comment
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Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly
Larry throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and
tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for
the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're
disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says,
"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had
a cupla drrrinks But thiss other guy got ssick on me...hehad one too many
and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me
twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."
"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."“Brexit is having a wee in the middle of the room at a house party because nobody is talking to you, and then complaining about the smell.”Comment
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1. Open a 'new file' in your computer.
2. Name it, 'Gordon Brown.'
3. Send it to the 'trash.'
4. Empty the 'trash.'
5. Your computer will ask you, 'Do you really want to get rid of
'Gordon Brown?'
6. Firmly, Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?
Next week we'll do David Cameron“Brexit is having a wee in the middle of the room at a house party because nobody is talking to you, and then complaining about the smell.”Comment
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