Please put more jokes here

[Swiss Tony]

Don't mess with Lawyers.

My dad is a partner in a smallish law firm. He loves nothing better than annoying people and suppliers who piss him off, nothing bad, just minor spats. He loves doing really pointless but perfectly legal things. This is my absolute favourite petty revenge story of all time.

Dad has queried an outstanding payment to an office supplier, its about £3800. He contested it and basically dragged out payment for months. Eventually, he agreed that if they sent someone round he'd pay them cash.

In the mean time, he went to the bank and after discussion with the bank manager, worked out what the legal minimum denomination of notes and coins could be used.

He also went to the garden centre and purchased a cheap, yet sturdy black dustbin.

As it turns out, you can pay in coins. the resulting amount pretty much filled the dustbin - well 3/4 full. It was almost impossible to move. 4 guys from the office got it upstairs and hid it in Dad's office. They spent half an hour emptying all the coins from their bags.

The debt collectors arrived. Dad made them wait an hour or so for the hell of it. He came out and spoke to them argued the toss some more. Eventually dad 'caved' and pointed them in the direction of the money. Upon seeing it they groaned and muttered that there's no way they're going to take that. Prepared, Dad immediately hands them a piece of paper and says, fine, sign this. They ask what it is, "its to confirm that I offered you full payment and you refused to accept".

They sigh and give in. Dad asks for a receipt. They start counting. Dad has previously removed a pound or so earlier on.

A couple of hours later, they point out that its a pound down. Dad denies that's possible, maybe they should recount? They relent and fill out a receipt. They fill the bin back up and start dragging it to the lift. My dad watches on.

The lift arrives and they struggle to get it over the floor divider but panting, they finally get the thing in the lift. As the doors begin to close, my dad sticks his hand between the doors, forcing them to open again.

"Erm lads? Where are you going with my bin?"

[Swiss Tony]

Fact of Life:

After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F

[Swiss Tony]

How pointless is juggling?

If I wanted to keep three or more things in the air simultaneously, I'd use a shelf.

[Swiss Tony]

When the moon hits your eye, Like a big pizza pie,
That's amoré.

When an eel bites your hand, And that's not what you planned,
That's a moray.

When your horse munches straw, And the bales total four,
That's some more hay.

When a Japanese knight, Uses his sword in a fight,
That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze, In a damp marshy place,
That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests, Like you did all the rest,
That's some more "A"s!

When on Mt. Cook you see, An aborigine,
That's a Maori.

When you're sat in row Z, and the ball hits your head,
That's Zamora.

[Swiss Tony]

Dear Mr. Darling,

Please find below my suggestion for fixing Britain 's economy. Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the 'Patriotic Retirement Plan':

There are about 20 million people over 50 in the work force. - Pay them £1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Twenty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new British CAR. Twenty million cars ordered - Auto industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing crisis fixed.

4) They must send their kids to school/college/university - Crime rate fixed

5) Buy £50 of alcohol/tobacco a week there's your money back in duty/tax etc

It can't get any easier than that!

Thanks
ST

[Swiss Tony]

I was heading into a pub the other night with a bag of chips when the guy on the door goes to me..."Sorry mate this is not a chip shop"...

I stood there for a minute and said "Why the **** would I bring a bag of chips into a chip shop?"

[Swiss Tony]

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we're going to live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward him. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. Staring at it for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

[Swiss Tony]

With my girlfriend it gets to the point she’s more interested in the size than what she’s trying on.

‘’Honey, It’s an 8, it’ an 8 and it fits me really really well, it’s an 8.’’

‘’Darling, It’s a bloody shoe.’’

[Swiss Tony]

Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

[TheFaQQer]

When the moon hits your eye, Like a big pizza pie,
That's amoré.

When an eel bites your hand, And that's not what you planned,
That's a moray.

When your horse munches straw, And the bales total four,
That's some more hay.

When a Japanese knight, Uses his sword in a fight,
That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze, In a damp marshy place,
That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests, Like you did all the rest,
That's some more "A"s!

When on Mt. Cook you see, An aborigine,
That's a Maori.

When you're sat in row Z, and the ball hits your head,
That's Zamora.

That's brightened up my man flu filled day.