Please put more jokes here

[EternalOptimist]

Reminds me of this one.

Guy goes into a brothel, but he only has a quid.
'No problem, you get the special'
So he goes into a room with two doors 'Small boobs' 'Large boobs'
he goes into 'Large boobs'
So he is in a room with two doors 'Small nips' 'Large nips'
he goes into 'Large nips'
So he is in a room with two doors 'no Suck' 'Long suck'
he goes into 'Long suck'
So he is in a room with two doors 'Hard cnt' 'Soft cnt'
he goes into 'Soft cnt'
And he is back on the street

[Swiss Tony]

A book just fell on my head.

I've only got myshelf to blame.

[Swiss Tony]

I was in my garden the other day when a giant spaceship landed! Out hopped a strange looking creature that jizzed in my vegetable patch, then walked towards me with an air of strong defiance.

"Oh sh*t" I thought, "these guys mean business..."

"Fear not" the alien said. "I come in peas..."

[Swiss Tony]

Be honest, if Facebook had a 'What I'm Really Doing Right Now' feature, how many of your profiles would read: 'Looking at a Friend's Bikini Photographs'?

[Swiss Tony]

Q. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?

A. An offer you can't understand.

[Swiss Tony]

Women with PMT asks her husband.

"Do you want dinner?"

"What we got?" He replies

"One of 2 options..." She Says

"What are they?" He Asks

"Yes Or No!"

[Swiss Tony]

You know as soon as a stranger walks up to you and uses the phrase "hey bruv?" you know the next thing he's going to say is going to be......

Complete bollocks.

[Swiss Tony]

Want a giggle?

Phone the Samaritans and tell them that you don't want to live anymore and let them try to talk you out of it.

Then half way through the conversation, pop a balloon, throw a trifle on the floor and then listen to the gibbering mess you've created.


(I know its wrong but it was a tea onto keyboard moment)

[BrilloPad]

A man goes to a chemist looking for condoms. Unfortunately he doesn’t know what size to get. The pharmacist asks him: ‘Would you like to find what size you are, Sir?
’The man agrees and the pharmacist leads him into a room with a board. The board has many differently-sized holes in it. The pharmacist leaves the room so that the man may have some privacy to match up his penis with the right hole.
Three hours later the pharmacist wonders what is taking so long. So, he knocks on the door to see if the man is ok. ‘Forget the condoms,’ the man says, ‘I think I’ll take the board.’


Q. Have you heard about the revolutionary birthday cake made out of beans?
A. It blows out it’s own candles.


Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

[Swiss Tony]

You know you're a geek when you have an iphone, an ipod, an itouch, a PC, a laptop, a gps and a pda but you'd swap them all for a working light sabre.