Please put more jokes here

[Swiss Tony]

My girlfriend is a porn star.

She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.

[cailin maith]

Choosing a wife ....

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.
He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see
what they do with the money..


The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.



The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.


The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

[Maslins]

Contrary to popular belief, a zombie's sex life is pretty good for the first few weeks...but then it drops off

[Swiss Tony]

What does this country have in common with my wife's fanny?

Labour has ruined both of them.

[Swiss Tony]

Ever noticed that when you write 3.14 down on a piece of paper and reflect it in a mirror, it says 'PI.E'.

[Swiss Tony]

How to speak Geordie:

Now say these words.... as they are, without accent.

Ligature, Yeff, Gutter, Fierce, Lake, Appearer, Tets.

Or...

Look at you you've got a face like a pair of tits.

[Swiss Tony]

A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't shag you if you were the last person alive."

Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?"

Wiped the smug look off her face.

[Maslins]

Honey bees, as I'm sure you know, produce honey...but which bees produce milk?.........Boo bees!

[BrilloPad]

Q What do you say to a girl who can suck an olive through a straw?
A Will you marry me?



If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard-sleeper sleep with?



A committee of women have officially announced that computers should be referred to as masculine. They gave the following reasons:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They may have a lot of data, but they are still clueless.
3. Instead of helping you to solve problems, half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.



Q. What’s the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name?

[Swiss Tony]

I've just bought some sausages from Sainsbury's, on the front is a picture of Jamie Oliver. On the back it says, "***** With Fork".

I can't argue with that