Please put more jokes here

[Moscow Mule]

Why is tomato soup Noel Gallagher's favourite meal?


You get a roll with it.

[AZZIK]

So after 1700 posts :-

BrilloPad 1,194
darmstadt 49
Colemanisor 34
Money Money Money 22
Swiss Tony 22
TheFaQQer 21
daviejones 21
EternalOptimist 20
richard-af 18
TazMaN 18
Chantho 15
FiveTimes 15
wobbegong 14
Denny 13
zeitghost 13
Pondlife 10

So I have posted 70% of the jokes here!

But you gotta admit BP, EternaOptimist's jokes are quality - i cant keep a stright face at my desk when reading them!

[BrilloPad]

.......

[BrilloPad]

Something to Offend Everyone!



A history teacher asks a class full of kids ''What was Churchill famous for?''

A kid at the back shouts out ''He was the last white man to be called Winston!''

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Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China? Everybody won.

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Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans. Got through to a call centre in Pakistan. Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.

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A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub.
She says ''Show me it's true what they say about black men.''

..................so he stabbed her and nicked her purse.

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A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him,
he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.



''Excuse me do I know you?'' he asks.



''Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids'' she says.



The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says
''Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me
and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?''



''No'' she replies ''I'm your son's English teacher!''

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I said to the wife, ''I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today,
but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' ''


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What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?

Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.

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A bride on her wedding night says to her husband
''I must confess darling, I was a hooker!''.

He says ''That's all right, dear. Your past is your past,
but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it''.

She replies ''Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!''.

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Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor.
He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground.
As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.

''SISTER ROSE!!!'' she roars ''Have some respect.
Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!''

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Tampax are changing their design they are replacing the string with a piece of
tinsel................this is for the Christmas period only!

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A man says to his wife
''Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time''.

His wife replies ''You've got a bigger knob than your brother!''

[EternalOptimist]

An explorer gets caught by the Umbongo tribe. That night they are planning different ways to cook him, they all get pished on Arak and fall unconscious.
So he takes his chance, struggles free and escapes.

He runs for miles then, just as the sun comes up, he notices a strange smell. He looks around and sees heaps of chewed bones and some bits of skin, then he sees something sneaking through the grass. A fifteen foot tiger.
He know he can never get away, it can run faster, further and climb better too.
So he picks up a bone and starts chewing it and slurping on it. The tiger pauses, 'what's he doing?' the the explore says
'mmm, that was the best tiger I ever had, now where can I get another, I'm starving'
The tiger gets a fright , turns tail and slinks off.
Up in the trees is a monky, he says 'wow, that was quick thinking' so he climbs down and says to the explorer 'nice move, give us a banana like'

The explorer is still shaking and says, 'where am I gonna get a banana, bonobo-brains ?' So the monkey gets in a huff and swings after the tiger. He catches up and tells the tiger about the explorers trick. The tiger goes loopy 'I'll kill him, I'll rip him to bits. Just wait till I get my paws on him'

A few minutes later the explorer sees the monkey coming back, with a great big monkey grin, and he knows the tiger is close behind. So he picks up the bone and starts to chew it again

'Wheres that bloody monkey ? I sent him off to find a tiger for me to eat and he's not back yet'

[BrilloPad]

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his pal preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host; I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the old woman what it is'

[BrilloPad]

Glasgow Rangers Manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play
football, and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to
Scotland.

Two weeks later the Rangers are 4-0 down to Aberdeen with only 20 minutes
left.

The Manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation and scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game
for Rangers.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media
love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his Mum to tell her about
his first day in Scottish football.

"Hello Mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent.

"I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we
won.Everybody loves me - the fans, the media they all love me".

"Wonderful", says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day.

Your father got shot in the street and attacked,

Your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten,

And your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were
having such a great time".

The young lad is very upset.

"What can I say Mum, except that I am very sorry?"

"Sorry?!!!

Sorry?!!!" says his Mum.

"It's your bloody fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place"!!

[BrilloPad]

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)


Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?


Contestant:
Homosexuals.


Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you


BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)


Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?


Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.


Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.


Contestant:
Leicester


BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:
I don't know.

Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant:
Arm

Stewart White:
Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant:
Strong.

Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant:
Louis

Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?









LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)

Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant:
France.

Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.

Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.

Contestant:
Paris.




THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant:
The Conservative Party.




BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?




UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant:
Goosey?




GWR FM ( Bristol )

Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?

Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.




PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)

Phil:
What's 11 squared?

Contestant:
I don't know.

Phil:
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant:
Is it five?




RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant:
Forrest Gump.




RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant:
Er. ... ..

Richard:
He makes bread . . ..

Contestant:
Er .. ....

Richard:
He makes cakes . . ..

Contestant:
Kipling Street?




LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant:
Barcelona..

Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..




NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question:
What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant:
The Pacific.




ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?




THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant:
Magna Carta?




JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?





CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna?

Caller:
Japan.

Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller:
Er ...... Mexico ?




PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.




DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant:
Holland?

Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant:
Iceland? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant:
No.




PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant:
Er. .... ..

Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . .. Kor . .

Contestant:
Blimey?

Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ..

Contestant:
(Silence)

Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .

Contestant:
Walked?




THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant:
Nostalgia.




LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

Presenter:
What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant:
Jewish.

Presenter:
That's close enough.




STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant:
Jesus.

[BrilloPad]

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH


A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a
job.



The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in
Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK,
so how many sales did you make today?'




The Aussie said 'One!'



The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average
20 or 30 sales a day.




How much was the sale for?'

'£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,23764!! What the hell did you
sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and
then I sold him a new fishing rod.'




'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the
coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat
department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'







'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4






The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in
here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady
friend and I said...




'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go
fishing.'

[BrilloPad]

Three men are waiting at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. To get in they must all answer a simple question. God asks the first man: Who in the Bible was famous for his ark?’ `Noah’, he replies and then the gates open. Finally, God asks the third man - `What were Eve’s first words to Adam?’ Puzzled, he scratches his head and says, `Oh, that’s a hard one!’, to which God replies `Yes, well done! You may now enter the Kingdom of Heaven’.

What’s the difference between your first honeymoon and your second one?
The first, Niagara, the second Viagra