Please put more jokes here

[EternalOptimist]

According to Freud, what lies between fear and sex?
funf.

<square-head sausage-eater alert>

[Swiss Tony]

Winking problem

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry...we can’t hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[Swiss Tony]

Paddy and Murphy are on their lunch break,Murphy says "Paddy give me one of your sarnies" Paddy passes one over, Murphy takes a bite and spits it straight out,Murphy says to Paddy what the fek is that? Paddy replies "Crab paste" Murphy says "where the fek did you get it from"?

Paddy says, "Boots the chemist"

[Swiss Tony]

I have cleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.

[Swiss Tony]

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line and we will trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you.

If you are dyslexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later,

And if you have low self esteem, hang up, all our operators are too busy to talk to you.

[Swiss Tony]

Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an ar*ehole?


Gordon Brown's tie.

[Swiss Tony]

My friend's a bit slow.

I wound his watch back 5 minutes when he wasn't looking.

[Swiss Tony]

Paddy and murphy were walking through the amazon forest when all of a sudden they come across an aligator with a head in its mouth!

Paddy turns to Murphy and says " Look at that flash **** in his Lacoste sleeping Bag !!"

[Swiss Tony]

Just got my hair cut... I didn't like it at first.

but it's growing on me.

[BrilloPad]

A man goes for a walk and sees a gorgeous blonde standing on the edge of a cliff.

'You're not about to jump, are you?' he asks.

'I am,' the blonde quavers.

He thinks for a moment, then asks:

'Well, before you jump, can I have oral sex?'

The blonde agrees and performs the deed.

'Wow!' he gasps afterwards.

'That was simply fantastic. With such an amazing talent, why on earth do you want to kill yourself?'

'Well,' the blonde replies sadly, 'my parents can't accept me dressing as a woman.'