Please put more jokes here

[Money Money Money]

The Urinals Are Too High

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boy's up one by one holding onto their 'wee wees' to direct the flow.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the 4th grade.'



'No, ma'am, he replied, 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race'

[Money Money Money]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '£250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'Ok how much this time ?'

Boy - '£350'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'

The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - 'To a friend of mine for £600.'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing overcharging your friend like that. That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'.

The priest says, 'Don't start that s t again you little , you're in my f cupboard now'!!

[Money Money Money]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked
and was climbing into bed when his wife
complained, as usual,
'I have a headache.'

'Perfect,' her husband said.' I was just in the
bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.

You can take it orally, or
as a suppository, it's up to you.

[BrilloPad]

Viz letters




> Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person

> present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not

> having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the

> RAC have more responsible employees.

>

> The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of

> heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living

> too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish

> they'd make their minds up.

> John

>

> ' Disneyland - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.

> Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

>

> I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a

> mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loses

> around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I

> would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the

> extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.

> L Palmer, London

>

> With reference to Mr Palmer's previous letter. I am also married to a

> Taiwanese lady, but nobody ever asks me if she is a mail order bride.

> But perhaps that's because I am also Taiwanese. And we live inTaiwan.

> Lo Chi Chang, Taipei

>

> The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD

> pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make

> from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they

> stop breaking the law, so will I.

>

> Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just

> like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wifes

> growler. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?

>

> On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in

> Australia have discovered the

> smallest fish known to exist. They've

> obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road .

>

> Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What

> about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about

> galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

>

> Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with

> the exception of 'There is Nothing Left to Lose' by the Foo Fighters. I

> hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid

> sense of humour.

>

> I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My Dad

> is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.

>

> What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being

> the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that..

>

> When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I

> was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the

> lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny,

> but the poor sod's face told a different story.

>

> I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of

> trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a

> hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some

> sticks.

>

> I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning stickers

> on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to put people

> off buying the product.

>

> Forget Prince Harry and his fascist ways, whilst eating a Birdseye

> Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be able to fashion a

> crude swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their Alphabites

> are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful, I was able to

> spell out 'Hitler is nice' if I used a z on its side for an n. How long

> are the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get away with this?

>

> 'You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips...' wrote the

> Righteous Brothers in their 1964 hit. Well, to be fair, in order to see

> that your bird's not closing her eyes when you're copping off with her

> you would have to have your eyes open as well. It sounds to me like

> they've both 'lost that lovin' feeling.' I reckon the relationship is

> dead in the water and they should end it now before they both get hurt.

>

> The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have

> good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a

> penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's

> not good luck in my book.

> Milos el Standish, Barcelona

>

> I was shocked to hear Home Secretary say that Britain 's prison

> population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the

> world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given

> 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can

> only dream of.

>

> On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me

> like a Princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got

> completely pissed and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at

> 120mph, killing me instantly.

>

> If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney

> characters are Man Utd supporters?

>

> They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I

> regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky

> TV in my local.

>

> If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon and bacon?

>

> They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to

> finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.

>

> In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital

> cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany ( Berlin ), Argentina (Buenos

> Aires), Iraq ( Baghdad ), and Serbia ( Belgrade ). China changed the name

> of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will

> show a little more imagination in this century.

>

> Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK

> when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty

> arguments begin. I will never understand women.

>

> We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to

> the war effort: as

> the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in London

> beside her husband' during the war. This contrasts sharply with the

> actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately

> left his wife and children and pissed off, first to France, then North

> Africa, Italy , France (again) and finally Germany . The shame will

> always be with us.

>

> Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East

> End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a

> hero by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers

> for the Luftwaffe.

> Werner Hoffman, Munich .

>

> I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young

> people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up

> boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

>

> I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in

> the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?

[Swiss Tony]

Viz letters

Made my day!

[BrilloPad]

Made my day!

Thank you kind Sir. Or is it what you expect from the second most popular thread on cuk?

[BrilloPad]

Junior School Children Writing About The Sea 1) This is a picture of an
octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea
all round you, you are incontinent.(Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head.(Billy age
8)

6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily Burniston
age 5)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating
beans.(William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How
do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting Electric eels can give
you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they
have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy
small. (Kevin age 6)

12) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going
very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny
(Julie age 7).

[EternalOptimist]

Junior School Children Writing About The Sea 1)
12) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going
very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny
(Julie age 7).

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ha hah ahaha hahahh hahah ha hah ahaha hahahh hahah
ha hah ahaha hahahh hahah
ha hah ahaha hah
ha hah ahaha hahahh hahah
ha hah ahaha hahahh h






ha hah ahaha hahahh hahah
ha hah ahaha hahahh hah ahaha hahahh hahah
ha hah ahaha hahahh hahah
ha hah ahaha hah
ha hah ahaha hahahh hahah
ha hah ahaha hahahh h

[BrilloPad]

Q Why is a good man like coffee?

A He'll be hot, full of beans and will keep you awake all night long.




'What does your husband do for a living?' one woman asked another.

'He's a joiner,' the othe rreplied.

'Oh yes, what's he do?'

'Whenever he sees someone going into a pub he joins them.'

[voodooflux]

How men amuse themselves in Tesco

Dear Mrs. Murray,

Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the
Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering
banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband
stops his antics.

Below is a list of his actions over the past few months, all verified by
our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine
products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an Official tone,
'Code 3' in housewares and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor
gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could Help him, he
began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror,picked his nose, and ate it.

9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle, asked an assistant if he knew where the Antidepressants
were.

10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
Mission Impossible' theme.

11.November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look'
using different size funnels.

12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed
the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door,waited a while;
then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'