Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her
Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the
name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have
wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes
water. So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy ?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
" London ".

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about
living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for
breath and Paddy said





"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

[mailric]

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her
Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the
name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have
wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes
water. So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy ?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
" London ".

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about
living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for
breath and Paddy said





"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

[BrilloPad]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do you think about that Doc ?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'

'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said , 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'

[BrilloPad]

A Recession is when your friend loses his job.

A Depression is when you lose your job.

A Great Depression is when an economist loses his job.

[Churchill]

Patrick Swayze, Wendy Richards and Jade Goody are all doing pantomime this year!

Oh no they're not!

[Churchill]

I walked past the fridge last night and thought I heard 2 onions singing a Bee Gees song....... when I opened the fridge door it was just Chives Talkin.....

[Coalman]

A young brunette goes to see the doctor and says her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible" says the doc, "Show me".

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She touches her nose and yelps in even more pain. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says to her "You`re not really a brunette are you?"

"No" she says, "I`m really a blonde."

He replies "I thought so, you`ve broken your finger".

[zara_backdog]

An Old priest lay dying in hospital. For years, he had faithfully served the people of London. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" she said.
"I would really like to see Tony Blair and Gordon brown before I die," whispered the preist

"I'll see what I can do, Father," said the nurse. The nurse sent the request to the House of Commons and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived that Tony and Gordon would be delighted to meet the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Gordon commented to Tony: "I don't know why the old priest would want to meet us, but it certainly might help our images and even get me elected for Prime Minister for another term. Tony agreed that it was a very good especially if they got press coverage.

When they arrived at the hospital bed the old priest took Gordan's hand in his right hand and Tony's Hand in his left.
There was a silence and the look of serenity on the priest face.
Finally Gordon spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen why choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The Old preist replied slowly: "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ."

"Amen" said Gordon.
"Amen" said Tony.
The old priest continued: "He died between two lying bastards. I would like to do the same."

[voodooflux]

20 ways to say that someones "fly is open"

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows in your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.

13. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

12. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

1. I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

[BrilloPad]

The Pasta Diet and Your Health

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walk pasta da bakery.

2... You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

AND....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the English.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.