Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]


Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]


War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[No s***t?]


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]


And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

[BrilloPad]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready"

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I Pink it up, and say, Yellow', this is Mujibar."

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

[BrilloPad]

It was entertainment night at the old people's home.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations'.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

'SH*T' said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the old people's home.

[BrilloPad]

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, and who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,

'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married..'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f***ing blanket.'

After a moment or two of silence, he farted.


The End

[Money Money Money]

There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."

The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."

The man at the door says, "Come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

[TheFaQQer]

It was entertainment night at the old people's home...

You did that one in November.

[BrilloPad]

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class area...big, stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby (policeman), who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah, yes," says the Bobby, "Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobby "That was really decent of you... is that what you call "British Hospitality?"

"No sir", replies the Bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

[BrilloPad]

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got
increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the
festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their
room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes
darling. Ones feet are killing one.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour
.... . . But it would not budge. 'Harder' yelled Camilla. 'Harder'

Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody
tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla
exclaimed 'There! Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said

'See I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the
other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen

'That's my boy, once a Navy man, always a navy man!'

[BrilloPad]

A surgeon is operating on a man when his scalpel slips and cuts off his patient's testicles.

Panicking, he quickly inserts two onions and sews the patient's scrotum.

One month later the man returns for a check-up. 'Any problems?' the surgeon asks.

'A few,' the man replies. 'I cry when I wee, my wife gets terrible heartburn after oral sex and I get an erection every time I pass a hot-dog stand!'

[BrilloPad]

The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2008 !!

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated
in front.

'What are my choices?' John asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.



SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he
opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need
to see your ticket, not your stub.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
store
but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped
for speeding rolled down his window.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.

The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.



SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a
sign
that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in
front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for
miles.

Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and
walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got
stuck, huh?'

The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I
ran
out of gas.'



SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008 !!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I
might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
or
a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to
laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the
student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to
write the exam with your other hand.'



A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is
not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
look
old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.