Please put more jokes here

[Dundeegeorge]

So this termite walks into a bar

and asks '"is the bar tender here?".

So two guys walk into bar, one carrying a car-battery and the other a set of jump-leads. The barman says 'I don't want you starting anything here".

So David Cameron walks into a bar and the bartender asks "what would you like to drink?" to which he replies "What would you like me to want to drink?"

knock knock
Who's there?
Tony
Tony who?
The nature of celebrity, eh.

What do you call an employed caucasion heterosexual male?
Anyhting you like, apparently we're not offendable.

[Dundeegeorge]

N2o

well it made me laugh.
(Yes I know it's an old one, but it's still funnier than Ricky Gervais)

[FiveTimes]

Man goes to the docs, and the doctor said "I'm baffled by your orange dick, does anyone else in your family have this condition?"
The concerned fellow said "No!"
The doc then asks "Do u handle any chemicals at work?"
The concerned fellow said "No I don't work"
"Well what do you do all day?" the doctor asked
"Watch Porn and eat wotsits!"

[Ravello]

A lad walks in to his parents bedroom to find his dad giving his mum
one.
The dad laughs throws a pillow at the lad and tells him to get out.

Hours later the dad hears a commotion coming from the lads bedroom. He
enters the bedroom to find the lad giving his Gran one.

The dad looks horrified.
'Not so funny when its your mum is it?' says the lad

[Colemanisor]

An angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on
his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there
is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in
here at six o'clock in the morning?"



"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

[Colemanisor]

Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish people for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, then Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the Vatican for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders, or their representatives, to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews.

The Pope met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that it would tarnish our image in the world."

The Pope considered that and, since he'd never held a golf club in his life, asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"

"None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We could offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of co-operation, we will also win the match."

Everyone agreed that it was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honoured and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result: "This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness."

"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was just perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed, "I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods.""

[Old Greg]

This man gets sent to prison for the first time. On his first night he's banged up in a cell with a huge gorilla of a guy.

When the lights go out, the gorilla says, 'I'm feeling lonely tonight. I want to play mummies and daddies. Do you want to be mummy or daddy.'

The man thinks about it and says, 'I suppose I'll be daddy.'

The gorilla says, 'OK then. Come and suck mummy's c0ck.'

[Lucy]

This man gets sent to prison for the first time. On his first night he's banged up in a cell with a huge gorilla of a guy.

When the lights go out, the gorilla says, 'I'm feeling lonely tonight. I want to play mummies and daddies. Do you want to be mummy or daddy.'

The man thinks about it and says, 'I suppose I'll be daddy.'

The gorilla says, 'OK then. Come and suck mummy's c0ck.'

There is something really disturbing about this.

[Old Greg]

There is something really disturbing about this.

Glad to oblige.

[FiveTimes]

Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth and nose....
"Nurse" he mumbles, "are my testicles black?"
The nurse raises the gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. She takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them sir".
The man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles and says very slowly
"Thanks for that it was wonderful, but listen very very closely and carefull....
Are... my.... test res...ults.... back?"