Please put more jokes here

[EternalOptimist]

An investment banker answers the door. Its a vacuum cleaner salesman.
'Sorry mate, I was an IB with a big firm and I have been out of work for three months and I'm TOTALLY skint'
He starts to close the door but the salesman gets his foot in and squeezes through into the hall.
'But these cleaners are cheap, and very effective.'
He tips a bag of horse sh 1te onto the carpet
'I will eat every bit that the cleaner doen't hoover up' he says


'Ok, but just let me get you a knife fork and serviette because they switched my fking leckky off yesterday'

[Board Game Geek]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

[Board Game Geek]

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy. "

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!"

We heard one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had'm circumcised."

[Board Game Geek]

Donald Rumsfeld went into the Oval Office to brief President Bush on the Iraq war.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news, Rumsfeld says. Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today."

Well, Bush was just overcome with grief. He put his head in his hands, sobbing uncontrollably and wailed, "Three Brazilian soldiers, three Brazilian soldiers, oh my God, three Brazilian soldiers."

He was so distraught that Rumsfeld could see that he would get no more work done and left the office.

When Bush calmed down a little, he turned to Dick Cheney and said, "Dick, please, please help me out here. Tell me, how many is a brazillion?"

[BrilloPad]

A man goes to see his doctor to ask him about having a vasectomy. ‘That’s a pretty big decision,’ the doctor warns. ‘Have you talked it over with the rest of your family?’
‘Yes,’ the man replies. ‘We all took a vote on it and they’re in favour 15 to two.’

[BrilloPad]

There was a young lady from France
Who decided she’d just take a chance.
She let herself go
For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.



‘Did I go on your honeymoon with you?’ a young boy naively asks his father.
‘Put it this way, son,’ the father replied. ‘You flew out on honeymoon with me, and you came back with your mother.’

[monkeyboy]

What’s the definition of optimism?

An investment banker ironing 5 shirts on a Sunday evening

[mailric]

What’s the definition of optimism?

An investment banker ironing 5 shirts on a Sunday evening

HBOS employee / Bradford & Bingley employee / the list is endless

[voodooflux]

In response to a mention in tpd...


Steve Davis goes home where his wife is waiting in a baby doll nightie.

"Come on Stevie I'm feeling frisky" she says.

Steve makes her bend over the kitchen table and stands behind her.

After a delay she says

"Come on, hurry up! what are you waiting for?"

Steve eyes her up and down and says

"I'm trying to decide whether to go for the easy pink or the more difficult brown!"

[BrilloPad]

Husband to wife: Darling, how about some video love tonight?
Wife: Video love? What's that?
Husband: Fast forward, stop, eject.


My husband brought home a tube of KY jelly saying it would make me a happy woman. He was right - when he left the bedroom I greased the outside doorknob with it and shut the door - now he can't get back in.