Please put more jokes here

[EternalOptimist]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.


She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.


One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his

towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck,

followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.


She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You

see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'


So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her

towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'


'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Newcastle but I worked both sides

of the Tyne ' .

[BrilloPad]

Having a bad day?
Things Got Ya Down?
Well Then, Consider These true stories . .
..............................
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died
in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m.,
regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had
something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve
the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m.
Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to
investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am
all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside
the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon
was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books,
and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Willie Johnson, the part-time
Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support
system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
.............................

Still Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the
Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00.
At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
saved animals were being released back into the wild
amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
.............................

Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy,
with some kind of wire running from his waist towards
the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from
the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening
to his Walkman.
.............................

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting
the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse
in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs
broke loose and escaped through a broken fence,
stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
.............................


What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.


.............................
There now, Feeling Better????

[Diver]

An incredible story
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.



Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[BrilloPad]

A man turned up at a party naked but for a tiny spangled suit round one of his testicles. When asked what he had come as the man replied. 'It's obvious! A fancy dress ball.'

[BrilloPad]

Mr Smith gets an attractive new secretary, Miss Jones. One day, while taking dictation, she notices his fly is open.

'Mr Smith,' she says quietly, 'your barrack door is open.'

He doesn't understand her remark, but later he looks down and sees his zipper undone.

Deciding to have some fun, he asks: 'By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barrack door open, did you happen to see a soldier standing to attention?'

'Why no, Mr Smith,' she replies. 'All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags.'

[BrilloPad]

Irish Boy's Confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, Dicky?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?'
'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Brown?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Margaret Doyle?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Anne O' Neil?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Catherine O' Tool, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'4 Months holiday and five good leads'.

[Diver]

KIDS IN CHURCH


3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.'





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[The Coal Man]

George Dubya

Did you know that 13% of Americans think parts of the moon are actually made from cheese.

If you think that's scary, you dont want to know what President Bush thinks about the city of Philadelphia.

-------------------
George Bush senior talking to his son:

"I made the same mistake with your mother that you did in Iraq... I didn't pull out in time."
-------------------
Apparently, when he finally leaves office, George Bush will be using the spare time to finish his book.

He's dying to find out where Spot's hiding.
-------------------

[Diver]

Did you know that 13% of Americans think parts of the moon are actually made from cheese.

If you think that's scary, you dont want to know what President Bush thinks about the city of Philadelphia.

-------------------
George Bush senior talking to his son:

"I made the same mistake with your mother that you did in Iraq... I didn't pull out in time."
-------------------
Apparently, when he finally leaves office, George Bush will be using the spare time to finish his book.

He's dying to find out where Spot's hiding.
-------------------

THE WIT & WISDOM OF GEORGE W. BUSH. All Quotes 100% Authentic:

"I think we can agree. The past is over"

"I have learned from mistakes I may or may not have made."

"It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then." [An alky's Freudian slip for Exhilarating]

"It's clearly the budget. It has a lot of numbers on it."

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case."

"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"

"Like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself."

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" "Laura & I really don't realize how bright our children is."

"I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California."

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."

"I propose that every city have a telephone number 119 -- for dyslexics who have an emergency."

"There ought to be limits to freedom." [said in support of his handlers' legal efforts to shut down parody websites]

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 8/11/94

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 11/30/96

I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/20/96

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/22/97

For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/5/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
...George W. Bush, Jr.

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/15/95

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

[The Coal Man]

George Dubya....(gonna miss it when he's gone !)

george bush is visiting Algeria. As part of his programme, he delivers a speech to the Algerian people.

"You know, I regret that I have to give this speech in English. I would very much prefer to talk to talk to you in your own language but, unfortunately, I was never any good at Algebra..."

-----------------
Laura bush: "We have the weekend free darling, what would you like to do?"

george bush: "I'm not sure. Let's think..."

Laura bush: "No, let's do something that you can do too."
-----------------
Dick Cheney and george W. bush were having breakfast at the White House. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?" george W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for a year!"

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to bush and whispers... "It's pronounced 'quiche'."
-----------------

Moses got off an aeroplane and george bush came up to him and said, "hi!"

Moses ignored him and walked on.

When asked why he ignored the president of the USA, Moses simply replied, "Last time I spoke to a bush we starved for 40 years."

-----------------
There are 4 people sitting on a plane. The Pope, george bush, a little boy and a football star. Suddenly, the plane begins to fall. They turn around and see only 3 parachutes.

"I have to take one" says the footballer, "The world can't live without my great sporting skills" He grabs a parachute and jumps off.
"I also have to take one" says george bush, "The world needs me" He grabs a parachute and jumps off.
The Pope looks at the little boy and says "You take the last parachute my dear boy, I am too old while you have your whole life ahead of you."
"Do not fret, sir, we can both take a parachute. The Pope looks around and does not understand.
"How is this, boy?" asked The Pope.
"It's george bush, sir," said the boy, "The stupid t*** took my school bag!"
-----------------
Gordon Brown and george bush are sat in a pub - there is only one other man in there and a dog laid by the fire.

The other man in the pub walks out and about five minutes later another man walks in and lifts up the dogs tail.

When the landlord asks the man what he was doing, he replied:

"Well the bloke who just walked out said there was a dog in here with two assho**s!"
-----------------
What's worse than george bush?
An American who voted for him!
-----------------

Dick Cheney Walks into the Oval Office and sees george bush whooping and hollering, he says "what are you so happy about?"
bush said "I just finished a puzzle, it said 3-5 years on the box but it only took me a month
-----------------

And my personal favourite: ..........

...After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive",Osama himself decided to send george W a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H.

bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA, and the Secret Service.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI6 for help.

They cabled the White House:

"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down."
-----------------