Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Subject: Ethnic misunderstanding

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."
"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "....why not?"
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"
"No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."
"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"
There's a few minutes of silence.
"I no rike Jews either!" the co-pilot suddenly announces.
"Oh yeah, why not?" asks the captain.
"Jews sink Titanic.""What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, ...no mattah... all same!"--

[BrilloPad]

A man moves into a nudist colony. Soon afterwards he receives a letter from his grandmother, asking him to send a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers he's mistakenly sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried, but remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It reads: Thank you for the picture. I think you should change your hairstyle as it makes your nose look too short.

[Diver]

I love this ……..Coz it's true

AMERICANS!

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in
October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, off the
Scottish North coast.

The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid
collision.

US Navy : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid
a collision.

BRITISH : Negative.You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
The South to avoid a collision.

US Navy : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.

BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

US NAVY : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP
IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.
DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THATS 15 DEGREES NORTH,
OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS
SHIP.



BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. F*#k off

[Moscow Mule]

I love this ……..Coz it's true

Merkins are stupid = True

Story = False

[Diver]

Merkins are stupid = True

Story = False

I stand corrected

Now

F###k off

----------

Seriously

[BrilloPad]

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three
rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of
assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't
eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?



2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over
5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out
together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?



3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when
you throw it away ?



4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words
Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?



5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly
you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and
plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing
is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think
about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at
it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!



THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:




1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
That one was easy, right?



2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,
developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).



3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.



4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and
tomorrow!



5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English
language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

[EternalOptimist]

Three women, Sally, Cailin and Sandy, die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St Peter says, "We only have one rule here in Heaven: don't step on the ducks."

They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man."

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. He is tall, tanned, slim and muscular.

St Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The woman, thinking that this is great, remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity."

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.






ducks

[BrilloPad]

Q What does a female mathematics student wear under her sweater?
A An alge-bra.

A young woman is invited to a fancy-dress party. But when she arrives naked the bouncer says: 'I'm sorry, miss, you can't come in like that. You have to be wearing a costume.'

The woman then returns to her car and puts on some black gloves and some black shoes.

When she goes back to the party the bouncer still looks sceptical but asks: 'So, what have you come as, then?'

The young woman raises her hands and replies: 'I've come as the five of spades.'

[EternalOptimist]

or possibly

Q What does a female statistical marine biologist wear under her sweater

an algea bra






bored
bored
bored

[voodooflux]

Long, but stay with it...

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, "Can I have a pint of
beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?"
The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and
cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie; he then
leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer
and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit
and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the
rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint
of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is
hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then
burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been
laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more
money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and
says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman",
smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm
sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and
Cheese Toasties".

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper,
when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very
nice Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and
says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear
shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think
that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it".
"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion
Toastie".

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the
toastie; he then waves to the crowd and leaves....

.NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has
only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he
is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating
above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered,
"I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house".

The barman says, "I remember you; you made me famous, you would come in
every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie; masses
came to see you and this place was famous" The rabbit says, "Yes I
know".

The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham
and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead" The rabbit
said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it". The barman said "You
never came back; what happened?"


"I DIED", said the Rabbit.


"NO!" said the barman, "What from?".


After a short pause. The rabbit said...









"Mixin'-me-toasties".