Please put more jokes here

[Lucy]

Bob Marley was complaining about the donuts in heaven...












Because they didn't have any jam in

[EternalOptimist]

Bob Marley was complaining about the donuts in heaven...


Because they didn't have any jam in

my brain hurts

[Swiss Tony]

may have been done before, call centre conversations

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.


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Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
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RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
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Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.
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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
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Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
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Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
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Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
'Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

[BrilloPad]

Two men are talking in the pub. 'My wife is really intelligent,' the first chap boasts. 'In fact, she's so clever, she even has a burglar-proof method of protecting her clothes. 'What's that then?' the second guy asks, intrigued.

'Well,' he explains proudly, 'sometimes when I get home after I've got drunk at the pub, there's a man in the wardrobe standing guard over them.'


A wife buys a birthday present for her discontented husband. He opens it, looks bemused and asks: 'What do I want with a rocket?'

'You wanted space,' she retorts. 'Now sod off.'

[BrilloPad]

Manure... An interesting fact




Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.






It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!







Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.







Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term.

[meridian]

Manure... An interesting fact

http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/bl-s-word.htm

[TheBigYinJames]

BACON TREE

Two Mexicans were hopelessly lost in the desert and wandering aimlessly and close to death. They were close to just lying down and waiting to die,
when all of a sudden....."Hey Pepe, do you small what I smell, ees bacon I is sure of eet"

"Is. Luis eet smells like bacon to mee"

So with renewed strength, they stagger up the next sand dune and there in the distance is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every sort of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved, ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, are yos sure ees a bacon tree and not a meerage, we ees in the desert don't forget"

"Pepe, when deed you ever here of a meerage that smell like bacon.... Ees no meerage, ees I bacon tree"

And with that ..... Luis races towards the tree, He gets within 5 metres, Pepe closely following behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks, It is clear he is mortally wounded, but being a true friend that he ees, he manages to warn Pepe. With hees dying breath, "Pepe, go back man go back,you was right ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis, my amigo, what ees et"

"Pepe, .....ees not a bacon tree eejs....

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Eess

Ees a Ham Bush

[BrilloPad]

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if the understood the concept of getting to Heaven.



I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'



'NO!' the children answered.



If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?



Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile.



Hey, this was fun! ' Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?'



I asked them again, Again, they all answered 'No!' I was just bursting with pride for them.



Well, I continued, ' then how can I get into Heaven?



A six year-old boy shouted out, 'YUV GOTTAE BE F#CKN' DEED..........'

[EternalOptimist]

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term.

In ye HMCustoms sweary Filter Plimsol dictionary, it was filtered as

Turds Upper Loading In Passage





igmc

[tay]

A man in Sydney walked into the produce section of his
local Woolies supermarket, and asked to buy half a
head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they
only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, 'some old bastard wants to buy half a head of
lettuce.'
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man
standing right behind him, so he quickly added, 'and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed
with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?'

'New Zealand, sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave New Zealand?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there.'
'Is that right?' replied the manager. 'My wife is from New Zealand!'
'Really??' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'