Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, were
reunited
at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the
restroom. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started
working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He
studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to
climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the
company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of
the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my
pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then
went
to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a
partner
in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's
so
rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his
birthday.'


The third man said, 'Well, that's fantastic! My son studied in
the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started
his
own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also
gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend
for
his birthday: a 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth
returned from the restroom and asked, 'What are all the
congratulations for?' One of the three said, 'We were talking
about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What
about
your son?'

The fourth man replied, 'My son is gay and makes a living
dancing
as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said, 'What a shame ... what a
disappointment.'

The fourth man replied, 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I
love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was
two
weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot
mansion,
a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three
boyfriends.'

[BrilloPad]

Two cows are in a field
First Cow: 'Do you worry about getting Mad Cow Disease?'
Second Cow: 'Nah, I'm a penguin.'

Why wouldn't the butterfly go to the dance?
It was a moth ball

Two fish are in a tank
One says, 'Do you know how to drive this thing?'

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No-eye deer

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

What do you call two dinosaurs who've been in an accident
Tyrannosaurus wrecks

[BrilloPad]

Groan...

What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies

Why do cats eat fur balls? Because they love a good gag!

Why does everyone love cats? They're purr-fect!

What do you call a cat who eats lemons? A sourpuss!

Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise?

It's meow-sic to their ears!

[BrilloPad]

A man is queuing at a supermarket checkout. He turns to the lady behind him and asks: 'How old do you think I am?'

'About 40,' she replies.

'No,' he says. 'I'm 57.'

He then goes into the bank. Reaching the cashier, he asks 'How old do you think I am?'

'Oh, about 45?' she guesses.

'No,' he says. 'I'm 57.'

Next he visits the chemist. He turns to a little old lady behind him and asks: 'How old do you think I am?'

'I can tell you exactly how old you are,' she says, 'but you I have to put my hand down your trousers.'

'OK,' he replies, intrigued.

So the little old lady puts her hand down the front of his trousers, has a good old feel, and says: 'You're 57.'

'How did you know that?' the man asks, astonished.

She replies: 'I was behind you in the queue at the bank.'
==============================================

A rush hour train is packed, and many people have to stand. One cramped woman turns to the man behind her and says: 'Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to call the police.'

'I don't know what you're talking about, miss,' he protests. 'That's just my pay packet in my pocket.'

'Oh, really?' she spits. 'Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half-hour.

[KentPhilip]

A wizard is sent to prison and was asked how he felt

he said "I always fancied a spell inside"

[BrilloPad]

The duke, leaving for the crusades, decided that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he was gone.

He locked up her nether region and gave the key to his best friend, saying, "If I do not return within four years, I want you to unlock my wife and set her free, to live a normal life without me."

"Sire, you can trust me to do as you say," said his friend.

The Duke was only a few miles from his castle when a cloud of dust appeared on the road behind him. Waiting for it to come closer, he finally saw it was his friend.

"What's wrong?" asked the duke.

"Sire," said the Duke's best friend, "you gave me the wrong key!"

[BrilloPad]

A little boy goes to his father and asks, 'What is Politics and why is that Gordon Brown on the television again?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s**t.

[BrilloPad]

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable .

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind , but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital .

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books .

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Send this to 5 Bright Women to make their day!

Pass it to a few "good men" too!!

[TheBigYinJames]

Send this to 5 Bright Women to make their day!

The impossible, i can do right away.

[Churchill]

One night, as a couple lies down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"