Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the Entertainment industry for being more than just a little self- Righteous.
At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow he asked the audience For total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his Hands, once every few seconds.
Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the Microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'
A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd Pierced the quiet . . .
'Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!'

[BrilloPad]

Three chaps down the pub.

chap 1 - my wife is so stupid she just bought some cat food - she does not have a cat
chap 2 - my wife is so stupid she just bought some dog food - she does not have a dog
chap 3 - my wife so stupid she bought 30 condoms for a hen weekend in Malaga - she does not even have a c**k.

[Chantho]

Three chaps down the pub.

chap 1 - my wife is so stupid she just bought some cat food - she does not have a cat
chap 2 - my wife is so stupid she just bought some dog food - she does not have a dog
chap 3 - my wife so stupid she bought 30 condoms for a hen weekend in Malaga - she does not even have a c**k.

You can post 'cock' now if it that is what c**k is meant to be
HTH

[BrilloPad]

You can post 'cock' now if it that is what c**k is meant to be
HTH

So is buzzcocks ok as well?

[Board Game Geek]

You can post 'cock' now if it that is what c**k is meant to be

Has the forum softened up cock usage now then ?

[Chantho]

Has the forum softened up cock usage now then ?

Maybe a poll as to which forum users have soft cocks is required ?

[Board Game Geek]

Maybe a poll as to which forum users have soft cocks is required ?

Well, I would assume that would exclude the female contingent then. Unless of course we have some LaaaaaadeeeeeBoyz amongst us ?

[BrilloPad]

politicians and nappies need to be changed - usually for the same reasons.

[Swiss Tony]

Hangover ratings

1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

2 star hangover **
Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover ***
Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover ****
Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

5 star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) *****
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe....very gently.

[Swiss Tony]

A man runs into a pub and asks the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of your best whisky."

The bartender sets up the ten glasses.

The man starts drinking them as quickly as the bartender serves them.

The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"

"You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have."

The bartender asks, "What do you have?"

"Seventy pence."