Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total
write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.
He asks his friend,
?What's happened to your car??
?Well,? the friend replies, ?I ran over David Beckham?.
?OK,? says the man, ?that explains the blood... But what about the
leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt??
Well, he tried to escape through the park.?

[BrilloPad]

For those that don't know, Samuel L. Jackson is appearing as a Jedi Master
in
the new Star Wars prequel coming out in May 99.

The TOP 10 Things We Want To Hear Samuel L. Jackson, "Jedi Master Mace
Windu,"
say in the Star Wars Prequel..

10. You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the
mother****in' droids you're looking for.

9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause I
wouldn't
eat the filthy mother****er.

8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have
to
kill every mother****in' stormtrooper in the room accept no substitutes.

7. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the **** we're gonna do. I
ain't
got no other connections on Tattooine.

6. Feel the Force, mother****er.

5. 'What' ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce or
'What'? Go
ahead, say 'what' again!

4. You sendin' the Fett? tulip, Hutt, that's all you had to say!

3. I wouldn't go so far as to say that the mother****er's a carpet. Yeah
Chewie
got a hair problem. What's the brother gonna do? He's a wookie.

2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?

1. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, "Bad Mother****er" on
it.

[BrilloPad]

TRUE STORY!!!

Extracted from a note from the Zimbabwe GTA (Government
Telecommunication Agency) Y2K Project Manager to the GTA IT Directory.

I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be
honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me. At any rate I
have finished converting all the "y's" to "K's" for all the months on
all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the
following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I'm sure you'll be pleased that the project has been completed well in
advance of the target completion date. Yes, in Zimbabwe we are now 100%
Y2K compliant.

Regards

Joseph Kazimba
Project Manager
The Zimbabwe Y2K Branch Team

[BrilloPad]

> An organisation is like a tree full of monkeys -
> all on different levels, some climbing up. The monkeys on top look down
> and see a tree full of smiling faces.
> The monkeys on bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

[BrilloPad]

From: USA TODAY/Monday,February 8, 1999; A&E:
Mariah Carey was one of the first celebrities to comment on the death of
the King of Jordan. Mariah told CNN, "I'm inconsolable at the present
time.
I was a very good friend of Jordan, he was probably the greatest
basketball player this country has ever seen, we will never see his like
again".
When told by reporters that it was King Hussein of Jordan who had died
and not Michael Jordan, Mariah was then led away by her security in a
state of "confusion."

Past comment made by Mariah Carey on CNN

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

Mariah Carey - Pop Singer bimbo...

[BrilloPad]

Office Prayer:


Grant me the serenity to accept the things I
cannot change, The courage to change the
things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide
the bodies of those people I had to kill today
because they pissed me off. Also, help me
to be careful of the toes I step on today, as
they may be connected to the ass that I may
have to kiss tomorrow.

[BrilloPad]

Desperate examples of our legally correct society :-

On the "CycleAware" helmet-mounted mirror:
"Remember: Objects in the mirror are actually behind you."

On a large folding cardboard sunshade for car windscreens:
"Do not attempt to operate vehicle with sunshade in place."

On a car lock which loops around both the clutch pedal and the
steering wheel:
"Warning - Remove lock before driving."

On a packet of juggling balls:
"This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not
suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8
years in the USA."

Seen on a camera:
"This camera only works when there is film inside."

On a bottle of flavored milk drink:
"After opening, keep upright."

On a can of windscreen de-icing spray:
"Spray works in sub-zero temperatures."

On a can of insect spray:
"Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: this spray is harmful to
bees."

A different brand of insect spray:
"Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges, and other flying
insects. Not tested on animals."

On an ocean buoy for determining the position of submarines:
"Protect from seawater."

On a Halloween Batman costume:
"This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly."

[BrilloPad]

========
> CRIMINAL DARWIN AWARDS..........
>
> A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a
> car
> phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told
> the
> guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to
>
> buy
> the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
>
> _____
>
>
> A true story out of San Francisco:
> A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch
>
> and
> wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing
>
> in
> line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that
> someone
> had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached
> the
> teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to
> Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to
> the
> Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors
> that
> he was not the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could
> not
> accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America
> deposit
> slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit
> slip
> or
> go back to Bank of America.
> Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo
> teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later,
> as
> he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
>
> _____
>
>
> A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
> measured
> his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the
> mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent
> the police department a photograph of $40.
> Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained
> another picture... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for
> the fine.
>
> _____
>
>
> Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in
> Pontiac,
> Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor
> said
> the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's
> jacket
> could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be
> wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge
> could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and
> laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
>
> _____
>
>
> Detroit:
> R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their
> squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighbourhood.
> When
> he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification.
> Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer,
> and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen
> showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis,
> Missouri.
>
> _____
>
>
> Colorado Springs:
> A Guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all
>
> the
> cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the
> robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the
> shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused
> and
> said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was,
> but
> the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.
>
> At
> this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and
> gave
> it
> to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in
> fact
> over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the
> store
> with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name
> and
> address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the
> robber
> two hours later.
>
> _____
>
>
> Another from Detroit:
> A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
> revolvers.
> The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the
> startled
> first bandit shot him.
>
> _____
>
>
> Florida............
> A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a
> gun.
> Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS,
> THIS IS A F---- UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers
> started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It
> probably
> saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have
> drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is
> still at
> large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall
> engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a f---- up!"

[BrilloPad]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his
checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, ?Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined
with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die:

?Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure
he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take
to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't
burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.

?Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress
worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and
giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team
sporting event on television.

?And, most importantly make love with your husband several times a week
and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to
a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.?

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, ?What did the doctor say??
?You're going to die,? she replied.

[BrilloPad]

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live
forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live
forever."
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest


"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same
reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered
other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22


"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the
law."
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he
failed to pay his taxes.


"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life.
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward


"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country."
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.


"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they
take them off."
-- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the
Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.


"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks


"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We
are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents


"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle


"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas


"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment.
This is a good planet."
-- Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million
dollars.


"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots
and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is
to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for
the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues
behind the Los Angeles Riots


"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians
were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne


"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark


"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle


"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public
mind."
-- General William Westmoreland


"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is
being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for
the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a
mind is a terrible thing to waste"


"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be
cut right out from under your feet."
-- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin


"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle.