Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

MICROSOFT ANNOUNCEMENT

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Geordie version
of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside of Newcastle.

If you have one of the Newcastle editions you may need some help
understanding the commands.
The Newcastle edition may be recognised by looking at the loading screen.
It reads Windiz 98 with a background picture of a Brown Ale bottle
superimposed on a
photograph of the Tyne Bridge. It is shipped with the Brown Ale screen
saver.

Also note:
The Recycle Bin is labelled 'Aal ya tulipe'
Dialup Networking is called 'Me mates'
Control Panel is known as 'How te **** aboot wi the settins'
The Hard Drive is referred to as 'Big disk'
Floppies are known as 'Them litil plastic bastads'
Other Features:
OK = it's alreet
cancel = **** that
yes = aye
no= nee ******' chance
find = gan gerit ya ******* sel'
goto = owa there
help = ah cannit dee it
stop = divvent move
start = hadaway and tulipe
settings = settins
programs = stuff that dis stuff
personal folder = me tulipe
Also note that Windiz 98 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation
marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to Windiz 98:
tiperiter = a word processor
cullarin book = a graphics package
addin masheen = calculator
tunes = CD player
porn = Microsoft Internet Explorer
pikchas = a graphics viewer
dole money = accounting software
toon = a spreadsheet of Newcastle United FC's recent scores
bevvy = local off-licences by area code and price of Brown Ale
tax records = usually an empty file
Kappa tracksuit inventory = usually a 5 meg file
We regret any inconvenience it may cause if you received a copy of
the Newcastle edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement
version.

[BrilloPad]

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing round

the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and
say to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please". The shopkeeper
nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a
monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying

"That'll be $5000". The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper. "That was a very
expensive monkey - most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why
did it cost so much?". "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast,
tight code, no bugs, well worth the money".

The tourist looks at the monkeys in that cage. "That one's even more
expensive - $10,000 dollars! What does it do?". "Oh, that one's a C++

monkey; it can manage object oriented programming, Visual C++, even some

Java, all the really useful stuff".

The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a

cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000. He gasps
to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put
together! What on earth does it do?"

"Well, I don't know if it does anything, but it says it's a contractor."

[BrilloPad]

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch. As they
read the menu the waitress comes over and asks Clinton, "You ready to
order?"

Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."

"A quickie?!" the waitress replies. "Sir, given the current
situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll

come back when you are ready to order from the menu." ...she walks away.

Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "It's pronounced Quiche.

[BrilloPad]

Women's Quote of the Day
========================
"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's
our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature
into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day
===============================
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they
go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

[BrilloPad]

It was Friday evening and having just been paid, Seamus and Murphy
were trying to decide where to go that night. "I know" said Murphy,
"There's a great club in town we ought to try". "What's it like"
ask Seamus "Well, you go into the club up to the bar where they
give you a free drink. Then you go upstairs for a shag. Then you
go back to the bar and have another free drink. After twenty
minutes you go upstairs for another shag. After this you go to
the bar again and have another free drink and then go upstairs
again and have another shag!. After this you go downstairs,have
a final drink and leave. On the way out they give you a hundred
quid and you go home". "Christ!" said Seamus, "That sounds great".
"Have you been before". "No," said Murphy, "but my sister has".

[BrilloPad]

>>5 KINDS OF SEX
>>
>>> > 1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon, you
>>> > both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
>>> > 2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the
>>> > marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
>>> > 3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps
>>> > have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
>>> > 4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other
>>> > in the hallway and say, "**** you!"
>>> > 5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you
>>> > get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the
>>> > courtroom.

[BrilloPad]

>>> Subject: DEEP THOUGHTS
>>>
>>> -BY DENNIS MILLER
>>>
>>> DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND
>>> DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
>>>
>>> ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
>>>
>>> IF MAN EVOLVED FROM APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE APES?
>>>
>>> SANTA IS VERY JOLLY BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
>>>
>>> I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN WHERE THE SELF HELP
>>> SECTION WAS. SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
>>>
>>> SHOULD CREMATORIUMS GIVE DISCOUNTS FOR BURN VICTIMS?
>>>
>>> IF A MUTE KID SWEARS SHOULD HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP.?
>>>
>>> AND WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT TO PUT AN "S" IN THE WORD, "LISP?"
>>>
>>> IF A MAN STANDS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FOREST SPEAKING AND THERE IS NO
>>> WOMAN AROUND TO HEAR HIM....IS HE STILL WRONG?
>>>
>>> IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS SUICIDE...IS IT
>>> CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
>>>
>>> IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR, "SYNONYM?"
>>>
>>> ISN'T IT SCAREY THAT DOCTORS CALL WHAT THEY DO, "PRACTICE?"
>>>
>>> WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?
>>>
>>> WHAT SHOULD YOU DO IF YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL
>>> EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
>>>
>>> WOULD A WINGLESS FLY BE CALLED A WALK?
>>>
>>> WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS?
>>> ARE THEY WORRIED SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
>>>
>>> IS A SHELLESS TURTLE HOMELESS OR JUST NAKED?
>>>
>>> CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
>>>
>>> IF A MIME IS ARRESTED DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO TALK?
>>>
>>> WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
>>>
>>> DO THEY USE STERILIZED NEEDLES FOR LETHAL INJECTIONS?
>>>
>>> WHY DID KAMIKAZE PILOTS WEAR HELMETS?

[BrilloPad]

Limey goes to the doctor and says, ?Doc, you've got to help me. My
dick's gone orange.?
The sceptical doctor pauses to think and asks Limey to drop his
pants so he can check. Sure enough the Limey's dick is orange
Doc tells the guy, ?This is very strange. Sometimes things like this
are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life.?
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doctor asks Limey,
?How are things going at work??
Limey responds that he was fired about six weeks ago and the doctor
tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.
Limey responds, ?No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30
hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was
happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my
own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the
boss
is a really great guy.?
So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the Limey, ?How's your

home life??
Limey says, ?Well, I got divorced about eight months ago.? The doc
figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guy's stress.
Limey says, ?No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am

I glad to be rid of that old bitch.?
So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires,
?Do you have any hobbies or a social life??
Limey replies, ?No, not really. Most nights I sit at home, watch
porno films and eat Wotsits.

[BrilloPad]

> Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise
> some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their 2 up 2 down
> terrace house.
>
> After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room and
> explains that she is a model working in a nearby city centre studio
> for a few weeks and that she would like the room for Mondays to
> Thursdays but would pay for the whole week.
> Doris shows her the house and they agree to start straight away.
> "There's just one problem" explains the model " because of my job I
> have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath?"
> "That's not a problem" replies Doris "we have a tin bath out in the
yard
>
> and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill
it
>
> with hot water."
>
> "What about you're husband?" asks the model.
> "Oh he plays darts most weekdays - so he will be out in the
> evenings." replies Doris.
>
> "Good" says the model " that being settled, I'll go to the studio and
> see you tonight."
>
> That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Doris
> prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps
> into the bath and Doris is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair.
The
>
> model notices Doris's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is
part
> of her job to shave her pussy especially when modelling
> swimwear or underclothes.
>
> Later when Fred returns, Doris relates this oddity and he does not
> believe her.
>
> "It's true I tell you" says Doris "look, if you don't believe me,
> tommorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek
> in and see for yourself."
>
> The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for
the
> model. As the model steps naked into the bath - Doris, standing behind
> her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the
> model's naked pussy. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no
> panties,points to her own hairy mass.
>
> Later Fred returns and they retire to bed.
> "Well do you believe me now?" she asks Fred.
> "Yes" he replies "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why
> did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy twat?"
>
> "Just to show you the difference" answers Doris "but anyway you've
> seen my pussy millions of times?"
>
> "Yes" says Fred, "I have...but the rest of the ******* darts team
> hasn't."

[BrilloPad]

The world in general likes to believe that the insular computer boffin
does not know the meaning of love-making. Of course this is not true.
Most IT specialists have healthy and rewarding sex lives - often with
other humans - which keep them bright and smiling as they tap away at
the keyboard and chuckle at the fading Dilbert cartoon stuck to their
monitor. And the true professional always behaves faithfully to his
chosen development environment - even in the bedroom....

Pascal
------
You make love to your girlfriend.

BASIC
-----
You waggle your penis ineffectually at your girlfriend.

Visual BASIC
------------
You get a tattoo on your penis, then waggle it ineffectually at your
girlfriend.

C++
---
Both your girlfriend and her cousin use the same method of love-making
with you. Unfortunately, they both inherited it from their father, and
you painfully waddle home sporting an anus like the Japanese flag.

COBOL
-----
IF SLAPPED_FACE
NEXT SENTENCE
ELSE
PERFORM A_FONDLE_BREASTS
THRU
B_APOLOGISE_FOR_MESS
VARYING W_GRIMACE
UNTIL W_TESTICLES_EMPTY = TRUE.

SQL
---
You make love to your girlfriend, but it takes hours, and everyone in the
street has to wait until you've finished before they can make love to
their
partners. When you've finished, you tell your girlfriend that you're not
committed to her, and she pretends you never made love in the first place.

Assembly language
-----------------
You spend weeks with a propelling pencil and some graph paper planning
exactly how you're going to make love to your girlfriend, but when the
moment comes you end up enthusiastically buggering the cat. Afterwards
you pretend that you wanted to do that anyway.

Unix
----
You want to make love to your girlfriend the really clever way you did
it yesterday, but you've forgotten it.

NT
--
Someone else regularly makes ActiveLove to your girlfriend without
asking you, and you can never catch the ****er at it and don't know how
to make them stop.

Microsoft Word '97
------------------
You proudly unveil your erection in the bedroom. Your girlfriend winks
at you and says "It looks like you're going to have a wee. Would you
like some help with weeing?".

C
-
Every time you make love to your partner, your penis points in a
different direction. You don't notice until eventually it points
straight up your own arse.

Java
----
You learn a technique which is supposed to bring any girl to orgasm, but
it only works with your mother.