Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

CATCH!
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but
there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a
friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what
happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was
hospitalized.

[BrilloPad]

THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU . . .
Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies
nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by

his cell phone ..more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and
talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his
neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at
the same time.

[BrilloPad]

GIMME A LIGHT!
Several years ago, in a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized
warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management
evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of
ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two
technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the
building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To
their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described
the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket, and
retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the
lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces
of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but
the lighter was virtually Untouched by the explosion. The technician
that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as

"bright" by his peers.

[BrilloPad]

Runner-Up:
Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position
yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a
group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Demuth went over board
to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the
effectiveness of "Crazy Glue" ... the hard way. Apparently, Demuth
wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put about 3
ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed
them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the
zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has
been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However,
once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Demuth, it
began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Demuth an
unintended passenger. "Sally (the rhino) hasn't been feeling well
lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative
and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Demuth played his
juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade
two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small
animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one
duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and
zoo caretakers over four hours to remove his hands from the rhino's
buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However,

during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Demuth was
repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. "It was
tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces

from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Demuth
was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three
people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth.
We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands
from her rear," said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with
Crazy Glue for a while." meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously
amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going
to buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the
zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.

[BrilloPad]

The following was seen by millions of viewers on a
Spanish T.V. Channel;

The parents of a teenage girl decided to put their
daughter's name forward for a surprise game-show -
she idolised teenage pop star ?Ricky Martin? - and
they arranged for TV cameras to be placed throughout
the house. The house was then left empty with Ricky
Martin hidden in the wardrobe in the girl's bedroom,
all set to give the daughter a wonderful surprise.

However, upon returning home from school and finding
the house empty, the daughter made her way down to
the kitchen where she opened the fridge and removed
a tin of pate. At this stage the live TV audience is
wondering what the hell is going on. She then went
back upstairs to her bedroom where she proceeded to
remove all her clothes and spread pate all over her
triangle of womanhood (at this stage Ricky Martin
is still hidden inside the wardrobe, and half of
Spain is seeing a young girl stark naked on the bed
with pate all over her crotch).

As if the parents were not shocked enough by this, the
daughter then calls the family dog, who obediently
trots up the stairs and settles down to his
favourite meal of "pate on a bed of seaweed".

At this stage the order is given to cut the broadcast,
leaving a very embarassed set of parents in front of
a live studio audience!

Consequently, sales of tinned pate have rocketed.

[BrilloPad]

Special High Intensity Training S.H.I.T.

In order to assure the highest level of quality work and productivity
from
employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained
through our program of Special high Intensity Training. (S.H.I.T.) We
are
trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you
feel
that you are not receiving your fair share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please
see your manager. You will be immediately be placed at the top of the
S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially good at seeing that you
get
all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take S.H.I.T. will be placed in the Departmental
Employee Evaluation Program (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.) Since our managers took
S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't need to do
S.H.I.T.anymore
and are already full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training
others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List
(B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.) Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get
the
S.H.I.T. positions and can apply for a promotion by seeing the Director
of
Intensity Programming (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.)

If you have any question, please direct them to the Hands on Training
(H.O.T.S.H.I.T)

Thank you

Boss In General, Special High Intensity Training
B.I.G.S.H.I.T.

[BrilloPad]

> Hey Hector,
>
> This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please
> distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.
> Thanks,
> Laocoon
>
> WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
>
> IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT
> DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your
> ENTIRE CITY!
>
> The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories
> tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be
> abandoned.
> DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is
> incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily
> armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and
> kill
> your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO
> NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it
> by the beach.
>
> FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
>
> Poseidon
>
> >=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
> FROM: [email protected]
> TO: [email protected]
> RE: Greeks bearing gifts
>
> Laocoon,
>
> I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is.
> I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs,
> one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people
> who
> ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch."
> Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:
>
> 1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" crap. If it were
> really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to
> post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?
>
> 2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.
>
> 3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with
> Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a
> real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.
>
> 4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your
> entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.
>
> Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate
> your concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times
> you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.
>
> Bye now,
>
> Hector

[BrilloPad]

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the
other guy has a cork in his ass.

He says, "How'd you get a cork stuck in your ass?"

The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I
tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a
red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I Tonto,
Indian Genie. I grant-um one wish.' And I said, 'No tulip.'"

[BrilloPad]

====
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out
for
a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and
love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs
a
bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you
doing,
Pierre?", says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot!
When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a
little,
Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open,
grabs
a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre
the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie
leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero
rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her
lap.
He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives
into
the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms
upwards
and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE
DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot!
If I go down, I go down in flames!"

[BrilloPad]

One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one says, "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."