Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Guy goes to the Council to apply for a job as an electrician.

the interviewer says: "Recruitment is done on a points system; have you been in the armed services?"

"Yes," he says " I was in the army for three years and served in Iraq . "

The interviewer says "Great that'll give you extra points toward employment" He then asks "were you trained as an electrician?"

The guy says " Yes I have all my papers."

"Brilliant, more points in your favour. Finally he asks: "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy replies: "Unfortunately: 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy "No problem; further points towards employment. OK. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM."

The recruit is puzzled and says " If the hours are from 8:00 AM. To 4:00 pm, then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? "

"This is a council job " the interviewer replies. " For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls....... not really worth you coming in for that."

[BrilloPad]

One day a man is met by a genie who grants him one wish. The man wishes to be close to a woman - so the genie turns him into a tampon.

What's the moral of this story? You may get what you wish for - but there are always strings attached.

[BrilloPad]

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says, "So,
Becky, I've been wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't
really want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right, three times..."

"Three? Hmmm, well, when were they?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 and you really wanted to start your
business on your own and no bank would give you a loan.....?
Then, remember when one day the bank president himself came over to the
house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked...Well..."

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me!? I love you even more than ever, to do
such a thing for me.... So when was number two?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were
needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch
you...Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way from Houston to do the
surgery himself and then you were in good shape again...Well...."

"Oh my god!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I
couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, you must really
love me, darling... I couldn't be more moved..."

"So, all right then, when was number three?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president
of the synagogue....and you were 47 votes short....

[BrilloPad]

David Beckham was speaking at a management conference, and wandered down in
front of the audience.

"The best thing about them," he said, "is that you only have to use one and
your mouth feels fresh for two whole hours".

A voice from the wings was then heard, "David, we wanted you to talk about
tactics"

[BrilloPad]

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a
rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and
said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen!"

[BrilloPad]

beer scooter - the ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not
remember it. i.e. "I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have
caught the beer scooter".

one in the departure lounge - to need to defecate imminently.

aeroplane blond - one who has dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'!

aeroplane skirt - a skirt with a very long slit up it that goes all the way up
to the 'cockpit'.

Pearl Harbour - cold (weather). This is one I have heard from a fair few people
recently. An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there !".
Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air ! This comes
from the well known surprise attack by Japanese planes on the American port in
Hawaii in 1941 (history lesson over).

badly packed kebab - a vulgar (but still excellent) term for the 'vagina'.

Britney Spears - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'beers'. e.g. "Give us a couple of
Britney's will ya Doreen".

Bruce Lee's - erect nipples (as in a pair of hard 'nips').

Bum Gravy - This one speaks for itself ! You may get this after a dodgy curry.

bunny boiler - an unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit boiling
scene in the film "Fatal Attraction". e.g. "I don't like the look of her mate,
could be a bunny boiler".

council gritter - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'tulipter'. e.g. "Does she take it up
the council ?".

Donald Trump - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'dump' (defecate). e.g. "I'm just
nipping out for a Donald".

drink-link - a modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is
common to visit one before going out on the booze !

furry monkey - slang term for vagina. As used by Daisy Donovan on Channel 4's
Eleven O'Clock Show.

greyhound - a very short skirt. From the fact that a greyhound (on a racetrack)
is close to the hare (hair). i.e. "Blimey look at the greyhound on that bird !".

Jackson Pollock(s) - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'bollocks' (testicles). e.g."He
needs a good kick in the Jackson's".

Johnny-no-stars - a young man of substandard intelligence, i.e. the typical
adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' bit comes from the
badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants
often wear which show their level of training.

kriptonite - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'web site'. One of the few terms I've
heard for this.

kungfu fighter - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'lighter'.

Leo Sayer - an 'all-dayer' (drinking or a rave etc).

Melvynn Bragg - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'fag' (cigarette). e.g. "Oi mate, can I
scrounge a Melvynn off you?".

mumblers - used when you spot an attractive girl in tight shorts or similar
clothes i.e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're
saying.

Nelson Mandela - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).

Pat Cash - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'slash' (to urinate).

pictures of the queen - paper money, notes. Suggested by Dan Adams. e.g. "How do
you want payin ?", "Pictures of the queen mate !".

ragmans coat - untidy and very hairy vagina. e.g. "Yeah, she looks quite fit but
I bet she's got one like a ragmans coat !"

release a chocolate hostage - to defecate. Have heard this one from a few
people. e.g. " I'm just nipping out to release a chocolate hostage".

ricockulous - a more extreme version of the word 'ridiculous'. Good for when you
want to add more emphasis.

salad dodger - an excellent phrase for an overweight person.

skin chimney - excellent (but disgusting of course) term for vagina.

spam fritter - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'tulipter' (anus). Similar to "Garry
Glitter".

Steve McQueen's - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'jeans'.

swamp donkey - an unattractive woman. e.g. "Blimey, have you seen those swamp
donkeys sitting in the corner !".

tart fuel - similar to 'bitch piss', bottled alcopop's regularly drank by young
women.

tea towel holder - the anus. Derived from the fact that those round plastic
holders that you push tea towels into resemble the anus.

tropical fish - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'piss', pron. 'pish' (in a Scottish way
?). An example of an abbreviated way of using it would be to say "I'm off for a
tropie".

Turkish bath - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'laugh'. e.g. "You're 'avin a Turkish
mate !".

up on blocks - having a period (menstruating). i.e. Out of action, a bit like a
car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is
up on blocks".

Wallace and Gromit - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.

wigger - a white man who is trying to act like a black man. Especially applied
to a white rapper, i.e. Vanilla Ice.

wind and kite - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'web site'.

wizzards sleeve - a large (cavernous) vagina. I've had this suggested from
anumber of people and think it may be a creation of the 'Viz' comic (popular in
the UK).

Wyatt Earp - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'burp'.

Wynona Ryder - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. Suggested by James Mellor. e.g.
"Can I have a pint'a Wynola and half a Nelson".

[BrilloPad]

A man walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son.
The kid is spinning a 10 pence coin in the air and catching it between
his teeth.
As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at
just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and
lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the
face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is
sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a
cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his
coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on
the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the
market.

Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but just barely) the man
carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but
firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the coin, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing
the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat
in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects,
the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him.

The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks. As the
man is about to leave, the father asks one last question:
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic
- what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"
"Oh, good heavens, no", the man replies, "I work for the Inland Revenue."

[BrilloPad]

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out
and said, "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd
like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a big decision! Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, we took a vote... and they're in favour of it 15 to 2."

[BrilloPad]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a
bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their chequebook, then takes their last $600 dollars
out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy
the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she
wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no
less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram
to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her
to
hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul

it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
"It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette
only has $1 left. She realises that she'll only be able to send her sister
one
word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to
send her the word, 'comfortable'."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that
you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive
out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,
'comfortable' ?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."

[BrilloPad]

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of
her index finger shot off.

The emergency room doctor asks her: "How did this happen?"

"Well I was trying to commit suicide" the blonde replied. "First I put the
gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast
implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest. Then I put the gun in my
mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened,
I'm not shooting myself in the mouth!"

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud
noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger!"