Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

> A brain and a pair of jumpleads walk into a bar. The jumpleads
> sit down and the brain goes over to the bar.
>
> 'Two pints of lager and pint of best bitter please' said the brain.
>
> 'I'm not serving you' said the barman.
>
> 'Why ever not' replied the brain, aghast.
>
> 'Because you're out of your head and they look like they're
> going to start something'.

[BrilloPad]

> There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters
> that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted
> island.
>
> There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl.
>
> They lived there For a couple of years doing what as natural
> for men and women. after several years of casual sex all the
> time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing.
> She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed
> herself.
>
> It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it
> and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.
>
> Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to
> feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.
>
> So................
>
>
> They buried her.

[BrilloPad]

Subject: New Virus's To Watch For


BE ON THE LOOK OUT FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:

CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.


VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.


LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone
about what it did.


RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.


MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.


OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly
expands to 200 MB.


DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Deletes all old files.


ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Disks can no longer be inserted.


TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the LEWINSKY Virus)
Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on").


DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy :}.


PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.


JOEY BUTTAFUCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files.


ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.


LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it
through Windows.

[BrilloPad]

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the
question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative
to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

[BrilloPad]

Amanpreet was having marital problems. So he went to his therapist.

The shrink says "when you get home, throw down your briefcase, run to her,
embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours, and make made passionate
love to her."

In two weeks Preet was back in the shrink's office. The shrink asked "How
did it go?"

Preet said, "She didn't have anything to say, but her bridge club got a
kick out of it."

[BrilloPad]

For the uninitiated Pinoy = male Filipino

SPIELBERG AND A PINOY

A Pinoy went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he
sat next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg who was
already ahead by a quart of alcohol. After a couple of beers, the Pinoy
sensed that Spielberg was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the
Pinoy crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the
director.
Picking himself up, he yelled, "Wat da hell is dat por?"Spielberg ranted:

"That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you #@@!!##!
My dad perished in that bombing!"

#@@!!##! I am not Jafanese, you stufid Nincomfoof! I am Pilifino!"
exclaimed the Pinoy.

The inebriated director replied, "Yeah yeah yeah...
Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Filipino ...you're all the same!"

Regaining his composure, the Pinoy dusted off his white pants,
straightened the collar of his loud bird-of-paradise printed shirt, took
his seat and ordered a double R&B from the bartender. After a few sips,
the Pinoy stood up and delivered his best Jackie Chan karate kick,
sending the director flying halfway across the room.

"What was that for?!!" shouted the surprised Spielberg from about fifteen feet
away.

"Dat's por da sinking of da TITANIC! I had my grandpader on dat shif!"
the Pinoy answered back.

"You ignorant Chink! The TITANIC was sunk by an iceberg!" exclaimed the
director.

"Yah yah yah...Iceberg, Sfielberg, Carlsberg... you are all the same . .

[BrilloPad]

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered
over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to,
he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up,"and I've
just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's
inside your cat."

[BrilloPad]

A Vicar, Architect and Engineer were playing golf together.

They had been following this group of incredibly bad players for the
morning
and were getting frustrated in the extreme. The bad golfers had not
even
had the courtesy to stand aside and let the three play through.

At the point where even the Vicar was cursing their very existence, the
Green-keeper came into view.

The Vicar went over to him and complained about the awful players,
holding
the game up.

The Green-keeper, looked aghast at the vicar and interrupted him to
explain
that the bad players, were in fact the heroic Firemen that had been
given
honourary freedom of the course. They were the heroes, who lost their
sight
saving 12 members when the club house had burned down a few years
before.

The Vicar feeling guilty for his earlier thoughts, shamefully reported
back
to the other two players. "I for one, feel I must pray forgiveness for
my
comments and that these heroes one day receive their sight back".

The Architect admitted that he too, felt guilty for the comments he had
made
and would join the Vicar in prayer.

The Engineer said "I don't see why they can't just play at night"

[BrilloPad]

Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man
told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent.."

Oh, Dad," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving mother."

"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr. Jones. "You just take her
with you."

[BrilloPad]

Among today's players, few sledge more enthusiastically than Shane
Warne. During Australia's last tour of South Africa it was rumoured
that Daryll Cullinan had been consulting a psychologist to exorcise
the demons that appeared whenever Warne removed his hat to bowl . No
sooner had Cullinan arrived at the crease than Warne snarled: "I'm
going to send you straight back to your shrink." The right words can
intimidate and demoralise.

In 1989, a young Phil Kearns packed down opposite the All Black rough
nut Sean Fitzpatrick. Amid the grinding of shoulders, Kearns became
aware he was being spoken to: "What are you doing here, Kearns? You
don't belong here. You're just a little boy. Why don't you go home to
mummy?"

Sledging is often personal. One reason Warne is quick to taunt
Cullinan is that the South African is fond of making remarks about
Warne's girth "Leave us some lunch, fat boy" being one of his
favourites.

Similarly, Ian Healy once became frustrated with an overweight batsman
from a South African provincial side who seemed not the least
interested in scoring runs. Eventually Healy called to the bowler:
"Why don't we put a Mars bar on a good length to see if we can lure
him out of his crease?"

Targets of sledging sometimes manage a killer reply. On one occasion,
an English county bowler was having surprising success against the
great West Indian Viv Richards, who'd played and missed at several
balls. Foolishly, the bowler piped up: "Hey Viv, it's red and it's
round this is what it looks like" A steaming Richards cracked the next
ball into the carpark and told the bowler:
"You know what it looks like, man - go find the *****."

More recently, Merv Hughes was being Merv, aiming constant abuse at
English batsman Robin Smith. But having been told that he "couldn't
bat to save his ******* life," Smith smashed a four, walked down the
pitch and said:
"Make a good pair, don't we? I can't ******* bat and you can't *******
bowl."

Sledging sometimes amounts to threats. In the 1960's, the St George
forward Kevin Ryan was considered rugby league's hardest man. He was
running amok one day against Balmain, who called an emergency meeting
which resolved that prop George Piper would stop Ryan by any means
possible. Piper subsequently hit his target with the best punch he'd
ever thrown, claiming later it would have ripped the head off a
bullock. But Ryan merely looked at him and said mildly: "Not a bad
one, George. Yours is coming." Probably to save his skin, Piper
managed to get himself sent off shortly after.

One time, when David Boon was proving hard to dislodge, West Indies
quick Malcolm Marshall asked him: "Are you going to get out soon,
David, or do I have to come around the wicket and kill you?"

In 1994, Allan Border told South African all-rounder Brian McMillan:
"For a big bloke, you don't bowl very fast."
He got no reaction - until lunch, when McMillan burst into the
Australian dressing room and told Border to repeat the slur while the
South African pointed a pistol at Border's head.

If that seems over the top, it was child's play compared to comments
allegedly directed at New Zealand's Chris Cairns by two Australian
players. It was claimed the players had made "choo choo" noises at
Cairns, whose sister had been killed in a recent train accident. The
story was denied by all parties.

But to sledge is to play with fire. In 1975, NSW paceman Dave Colley
had his first look at a swaggering Viv Richards and wasn't taken with
what he saw. When he bowled to Richards he was treated with contempt
until he dug in a bouncer. The ball clipped Richards's head, was
caught by the keeper and the umpire raised his finger. Richards stood
his ground and pointed to his head, prompting Colley to growl: "Listen
you *****. There's nothing in there. Have a look at the scoreboard and
then **** off." At the end of the day, as the NSW players filed next
door for a drink, they noticed the West Indies' dressing room had been
converted into something that looked terribly like a makeshift boxing
ring. Sure enough, Richards appeared wearing gloves, shorts and
nothing else, dancing and snorting. The NSW boys shot into reverse,
locking their own door behind them. It took the matey diplomacy of
Doug Walters to dissuade Richards from depositing Colley on to the
nearest asteroid.

During a WSC final at the SCG where the game had been shortened due to
rain and the atmosphere was running at about 95% humidity a very
exhausted Arjuna Ranatunga appealed that he had "sprained" something.
He duly asked the umpire for a runner. As clear as a bell through the
effects mic you heard Healey's legendary reply "you don't get a runner
for being an overweight, unfit, fat *****".

Lastly, sledging can be plain amusing. It's unlikely Merv Hughes was
thinking tactically when he told a struggling English batsmen: "I'll
bowl you a ******* piano, ya Pommie pooftah. Let's see if you can play
that."