Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

WOMENS' ENGLISH

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should
be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're
going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a
good game on TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

[oracleslave]

A thirty-something woman meets a rather handsome and charming man in the bar of a highly-regarded restaurant.

They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They go back to his apartment, and as he shows her around she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.


Three wall-length shelves loaded with hundreds and hundreds of the little buggers ... carefully
placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing this very un-macho display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf; medium sized bears covering the entire length
of the middle shelf; and large-sized bears all the way all along the top shelf. Quite the display!

She found it strange for a man (who was clearly straight) to have such a large a collection of teddy
bears, but doesn't mention it out loud, being really quite impressed by his obvious sensitive side.

All the while thinking to herself, "Oh goodness! Maybe this guy could be the one - maybe he could
father my children!"

She turns to him. They kiss slowly... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot, steamy love. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this wonderful, sensitive guy - lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over towards him smiling sweetly.
She strokes his chest and asks coyly,

"So? How was it?"
The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[FiveTimes]

Just been to see my German friends new baby today.
She asked me if I wanted to wind it.
Thought it was a bit harsh so I just gave it a dead leg!!!

[BrilloPad]

New shampoo - its target market being eco-warriors:
Go & Wash

[BrilloPad]

A woman went to the doctor asking for bigger breasts. The doctor gave her
the choice of either having an implant or wearing a special bra. The
doctor explained, "When you flap your arms up and down, the bra inflates."

Of course, the woman chose the bra.

The next day she went to a bar to try the new bra out. She saw an
attractive man sitting at the bar. Flapping her arms, she strolled over to
flirt with the man and he started flapping his legs.

"I see we have the same doctor," said the man.

[BrilloPad]

> THE FEMALE STRESS DIET!
>
> This is a specially formulated diet designed to help woman cope with
> the
> stress that builds up during the day.
>
> BREAKFAST:
> 1x Grapefruit
> 1x Slice whole wheat toast
> 1x cup skim milk
>
> LUNCH:
> Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
> 1x cup herbal tea
> 1x chocolate Hob Nob
>
> AFTERNOON TEA:
> The rest of the biscuits in the packet
> 1x tub of Hagen Daas Ice Cream with Choc-chip topping
> 1x Family pack Jaffa Cakes
>
> DINNER:
> 4x bottles of wine (red or white)
> 2x loaves Garlic bread
> 1x Family size Supreme Pizza
> 3 Snickers Bars
>
> LATE NIGHT SNACK:
> Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the Freezer)
>
> DIET RULES:
>
> 1. If no one sees you eat something, it has no calories.
> 2. When drinking a diet coke with a chocolate bar, the diet
> Coke cancels out the sugar in the chocolate bar.
> 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you
> do not eat more than they do.
> 4. Food used for medical purposes does not count (eg. hot
> chocolate, toast, cheesecake and vodka).
> 5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner.
> 6. Cinema related foods have a zero calorie count as they are
> part of the entertainment package and not counted as food
> intake. This includes popcorn, Maltezers and cokes.
> 7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits
> up causes calorie leakage.
> 8. Foods licked from spoons and forks have no fat if you are in
> the process of cooking something.
> 9. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity
> and the density of the calorie mass.
> 10. Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it
> rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his/her
> plate.
>
> And remember: STRESSED SPELT BACKWARDS IS 'DESSERTS'.

[BrilloPad]

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home
> having a smoke when it
> started to rain.
> One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the
> end, put it over her
> cigarette, and continued smoking.
>
>
> Lady 1: 'What's that?'
> Lady 2: 'A condom.'
> Lady 1: 'Where'd you get it?'
> Lady 2: 'You can get them at any drugstore.'
>
>
> The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local
> drugstore and
> announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package
> of condoms.
> The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is,
> after all, in her 80s), but
> politely
> asks what brand she prefers.
>
> 'Doesn't matter,' she replies, as long as it fits a
> Camel.

[BrilloPad]

It just might work...


A magazine held a competition, inviting its readers to submit new scientific
theories on ANY subject.

Winner (Subject: Perpetual Motion)

"When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is
dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast
is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then
dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches
above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form
the basis of a high-speed monorail system."

....and then this mail got this reply from one of the recipients.

"I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the
buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side
down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with
Jacob's crackers.

So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats. Also,
should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there
are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.

Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula:

p =3D s * t(t)/t(c)

where p is the probability of carpet impact

s is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of
the
effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet.
Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the s
value of water is zero.

t(c) and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p
being strongly related to the relationship between the color of the carpet
and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and
obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour.

So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you
use chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination
gives
a p value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on
its feet.

Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to
hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the
toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in
nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims
in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their
party
was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue
research.

Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also public
sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a
monorail powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a
rail made from white shag pile carpet."

[BrilloPad]

Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said,
"Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you
like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Chief Priest
said to him:
"Brother John, you have been here 5 years now, you may speak two words."

Brother John said, "Hard Bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better
bed."

After another 5 years, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest.

"You may say another two words Brother John."

"Cold Food," said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the
food would be better in the future.

On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called
Brother John into his office.

"Two words you may say today."

"I Quit." said Brother John.

"It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "You've done nothing but
bitch since you got here."

[BrilloPad]

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation
from the town's most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called the lawyer to persuade him to
contribute: "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
$500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to
the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied: "First, Did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has
medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."

The lawyer continued: "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology.

The lawyer interrupted her apology, saying: "Or that my sister's husband
died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation,
"Leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no
idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut her off once again: "...So, if I don't give any
money to them, why should I give any money to you?!?"