Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

A while ago, after more than a few delicious beverages at my local I
pulled a large woman, and persuaded her to let me take her home. At home, we soon got down to business and despite the room being pitch black it wasn't hard to locate her massive boobies, so i started sucking greedily on a hardened nipple. And then, rather surprisingly, I got a gob full of warm milk.

Being the perfect gentleman I immediately asked her if she had recently
given birth, but she rather testily claimed that she hadn't. So I carried on regardless and had a thoroughly enjoyable night of blubber-bashing with the cubby - goer.

When I woke in the morning I looked down at the beached whale and was
rather horrified to see, about half an inch from her nipple, the
shrivelled remains of a monstrous boil that I had sucked dry during our
night of passion.

[BrilloPad]

One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond.

He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was
a little cocktail sausage. The cat was feeling quite peckish so as the water
wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw and hooked the sausage
out and ate it.

The next day the cat was walking through the park again and he peered into
the pond again - there was another sausage but this time it was a normal
sized one so the cat reached in but this time he had to put his whole arm
into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat looked into the pond and found an enormous Cumberland
sausage at the bottom of the pond - it looked so delicious but it was so
deep that he had to actually put the whole of his body into the pond to
reach the sausage - he found it very tasty.

The moral of the story is .......................


..... the bigger the sausage - the wetter the pussy.

[BrilloPad]

Quiz show
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had
smiled in her favour, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her
opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run
out before the show's host could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband
drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the
answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably
look like garbage tomorrow."

"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started
heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked.

"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."

After an agonising three-hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide
and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'
And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to
sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her
the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied
groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the
morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied
correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though
she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras
began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous
day's events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have
ten seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.

"Very good. Six seconds."

"Eh, uh, the heart?"

"Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had
it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

[BrilloPad]

Before we begin, I need to describe two areas in Bristol..
1. Sneyd Park - very exclusive, renowned for being very 'posh'.
2. Hartcliffe - tower block council estate.
(When telling this joke just insert the equivalents from your area.)

One day in the maternity hospital there were two woman sat in
opposite beds. One was from Sneyd Park and the other from
Hartcliffe. The woman from Sneyd Park removed her dressing gown to
reveal a silk pyjama top with mink cuffs and collars.
"That's a smart pyjama top you have there" said the woman from Hartcliffe.
"My husband bought it for me when he heard I was expecting our third
child - he thinks the world of me" said the Sneyd Park woman.
"Oh really" says the Hartcliffe woman.
"And when he heard I was expecting our first child he was so
delighted and because he loves me so much he bought me a Porsche 911"
"Oh really" says the Hartcliffe woman.
"He was so overjoyed to hear I was expecting our second child, and because he
adores me so much he bought me a yacht".
"Oh really" says the Hartcliffe woman.
The Sneyd Park woman then asks "Does your husband do anything like this for
you?"
"Oh yes, he was so pleased to hear I was expecting our first child that he
paid for a course of elocution and diction lessons" said the Hartcliffe woman.
"And how has that worked out" asked the Sneyd Park woman".
"Well, my vocabulary has improved immensely. I used to say
'b0llocks' but now I just say 'Oh really'!"

[BrilloPad]

Ali G went to his mate's fancy dress costume party wearing nothing but a
girl on his back.

"So what are you supposed to be?" the host asked indignantly.

"I Iz a snail," Ali replied.

The exasperated host asked, "How can you be a snail when all you've got
is that naked girl on your back?"

Ali replied. "Diz Iz Michelle."

[BrilloPad]

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her
on the ass and say, "You're next!"

Q: How do you know when you are getting old?
A: When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q: What's the definition of "trust"?
A: Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob

Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.

Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count
A: Your date has to chew before she swallows

Q: What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
A: When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you.

Q: What do Kodak and condoms have in common?
A: They both capture the moment.

Q: What's got 90 balls and makes women sweat?
A: Bingo.

Q: How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis..... I mean
ladder.

Q: What's 100 yds long and smells of piss?
A: The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.

Q: What have the Gas Board and pelicans got in common?
A: They can both stick their bills up their arse.

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the tulip out of the dog.

Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.

Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A: Well endowed.

Q: What's the difference between PMT and BSE?
A: One's mad cow's disease and the other's an agricultural problem.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: How do you make a dog drink?
A: Put it in a liquidizer.

Q: What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair?
A: The front row at a Boyzone concert.

Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

[BrilloPad]

Examination Paper. SEXISM STUDIES Time allowed 3 hrs.

Attempt all questions.

Section A (50%)
1. Explain why the best women's cricket team in the world wouldn't
stand a chance against you and ten of your mates. Include in your
answer:

a) Why they throw the ball like spastics and catch crocodile style
b) What you wouldn't mind doing with them in the showers after the
match.


2. Pamela Anderson's tits are plastic but look good in photographs.

Compare and contrast the relative merits of plastic and real tits for
recreational purposes.


3. It is a long established fact that fat lasses are more grateful for
it.Outline some of the reasons why this is so, and explain why all
feminists are fat, ugly lesbians.

or

Compare and contrast video lesbians with those have encountered in
real life.


4. Write a critique of any ONE of the following films you have watched
at your mates house while his parents were away for the weekend.

a) White Water Shafting
b) Three Into One Will Go
c) King Dong
d) Speared by Zulu Lovers

Include in your discussion a justification for such films to be
considered "art-house" rather than pornographic.


5. Women drivers, eh? Discuss.


Section B (50%)

1. Name something a woman has invented.

2. On average, women live 7 years longer than men yet get their
pension 5 years earlier. Explain why this isn't fair, making reference
to your lazy old granny who lived to be 100 and your poor granddad who
worked 50 years down the pit and died the day before he retired.

3. Argue heatedly over the respective merits of the Lamborghini Diablo
and the Ferrari Testarossa without ever having seen, let alone driven,
either.


4. Discuss the philosophical implications of this statement: "If a man
speaks in a forest, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?"

[BrilloPad]

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players,
"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy
nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a
team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at
first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand
all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach.

"Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

[BrilloPad]

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to
it by arousing his jealousy.

"What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best
friend?" she asked provocatively.

"Well," he mused, "I'd say that you're a lesbian."

[BrilloPad]

Amusing things said by drivers on the underground....

Heard at Earl's Court:

"The train at platform three is not going to Parsons Green
but to Richmond.

The train approaching platform two is also not going to
Parsons Green but to Ealing Broadway. These trains are not going
to Parsons Green despite what the signal men think.

On the Northern Line:

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it
to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

On the Piccadilly Line:

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to
get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the
doors' don't you understand?"

At Leyton station (where a train was stationary despite a green light):

"Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is
a queue of trains ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because
I'm sure you don't want to sit in a tunnel getting hot and sweaty"

On the Central line:
"Next time, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open
before trying to get on the train"

At King's Cross:
"This train is completely broken, it isn't going anywhere"

On the Victoria line:

"This is Brixton, err, no, it's Victoria!"

"This is like that TV advert, I hope the person next
to you is wearing a good deodorant!"

"Have a very relaxing weekend. Hope to see you all
again Monday morning!"

At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon):
'Please let the passengers off the train first...
Please let the passengers off the train first...
Please let the passengers off the train first...
Let the passengers off the train FIRST!...

Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care,
I'm going home.'

At Moorgate (after a 20-minute delay):

"I apologise for the delay but the computer controlling the signalling
at Aldgate and Whitechapel has the Monday Morning Blues"

At West Hampstead:
"We can't move off because some c*** has their f***ing
hand stuck in the door'

At Mill Hill East:

"Hello this is xxx speaking, I am the captain of your train, and we
will be departing shortly, we will be cruising at an
altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time
in Morden is 3:15pm. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15
degrees celsius, and Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill
east, so there's no need to adjust your watches."

On a delayed train at Epping (when the driver had a chat with a
colleague unaware that he'd left the tannoy on): "bollocks to the
lot of them, I don't care if they don't make it to work."