Please put more jokes here

[Malacandra]

So Feynman and Heisenberg decided to take a road trip together, with Feynman driving and Heisenberg in charge of the map. Every so often Feynman checks with Heisenberg for directions
“Where are we?”
“Forty three miles out of Tuscon. Take a left at the next exit.”
This sort of thing continues for a while, everything’s going well, when suddenly Heisenberg points— “Look out! Cop car behind the billboard!”
Feynman glances at the speedometer. “Relax, I’m going 55 miles per hour.”
“Oh, way to go, bonehead,” says Heisenberg. “Now we’re lost.”

[Chantho]

So Feynman and Heisenberg decided to take a road trip together, with Feynman driving and Heisenberg in charge of the map. Every so often Feynman checks with Heisenberg for directions
“Where are we?”
“Forty three miles out of Tuscon. Take a left at the next exit.”
This sort of thing continues for a while, everything’s going well, when suddenly Heisenberg points— “Look out! Cop car behind the billboard!”
Feynman glances at the speedometer. “Relax, I’m going 55 miles per hour.”
“Oh, way to go, bonehead,” says Heisenberg. “Now we’re lost.”

Hmm, a joke for the "physicists" among us, very subtle.

Shouldn't Feynman have had the map as the diagrammer (if that's a word)?

[BrilloPad]

Eddie the toad was distraught. All his friends had toad girlfriends but
he didn't. He was the only yellow toad in a pond full of green toads, and
all the females just laughed at him. Distraught he went to see the fairy at
the bottom of the garden.

"Can you make me green like all the other toads?" he asked her.

"Of course I can" she replied and in a flash she had turned him green.

"brilliant!" he shouted, then looked down and realised he still had a
yellow penis.

"Why have you left this yellow?" he enquired, pointing at the offending
member.

"I'm sorry," she replied, " but I am a good clean fairy and I don't do
anything involving sexual organs."

"Oh for God's sake!" the frustrated toad shouted, "what am I supposed to
do then? None of the girl toads will want to shag me when I still have a
yellow willy!"

"You can go and visit the wizard" said the fairy calmly. "He should be
able to help, he lives in the castle just over that hill"

"Ok", said the frog and began his journey.

On the way he bumped into a pink elephant. The elephant looked suicidal,
and the toad, sympathising with his plight, told him about the good fairy
who had turned him green. The elephant thanked him and went to visit the
fairy. Again, the fairy turned him the colour he desired, but left his
penis as it was, giving the same explanation as she had given to the toad.

"Oh that's just great!" yelled the elephant sarcastically, "Now what do I
do?"

"You can visit the wizard who lives over the hill" said the fairy.

"But I don't know my way around here, have you got a map or something?"
the elephant asked her.

"No need she replied....just follow the yellow pricked toad!"

[BrilloPad]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Gee, that's the
only time I have to work on my hair)

2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase
necessary. Details inside." (Evidently, the shoplifter special)

3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And
that would be how. . . ?)

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost."
(But it's *just* a suggestion)

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn
upside down." ( Oops, too late! )

6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
heating." As night follows the day . . . .)

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save even more time?)

8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or
operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to

reduce
the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds
with head-colds off those forklifts.)

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would
hope)

10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use
only." As opposed to what?)

11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other
use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts." (NEWS FLASH)

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open
packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.)

14. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly." ( I don't blame the company, I blame parents for

this
one.)

15. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your
hands or genitals." (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?...

Good
grief)

16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: "Do not use on food."
(Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's okay, honey, just grab the

Palmolive!)

17. On a tube of Crest Toothpaste: "If swallowed, contact poison
control."

(Oh please, have you ever heard about someone dying from swallowing a
little toothpaste?)

18. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent: "Remove clothing before
distributing in washing machine." (Hey, no more swimming in the
washing machine, kids)

[Malacandra]

Hmm, a joke for the "physicists" among us, very subtle.

Shouldn't Feynman have had the map as the diagrammer (if that's a word)?

And to give the philosophers some equal time:

René Descartes goes into a bar and orders a small pastis, which he sups reflectively while enjoying the ambience. When he is finished, the waiter says "Another pastis, M. Descartes"? "No," says René, "I think not."

Whereupon he disappears.

[BrilloPad]

Computer Proverbs for the modern life...

1. Anywhere you hang your @ is home.

2. The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don't byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).

19. Virtual reality is its own reward.

20. Modulation in all things.

21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

22. There's no place like ( http://www.)home(.com)

23. Know what to expect before you connect.

24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

25. Speed thrills.

26. Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a fish and you feed him for a
day; teach him to use The Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

[BrilloPad]

Difference between men and woman....
7 things that make a woman happy:

Being less than 10 pounds over weight
Hearing "I love you"
Fitting into last years swimsuit
Eating out
Surprise presents
Getting high marks on a Cosmo test

7 things that make a man happy:

Not having to shave
Not needing bigger underwear
Flattery (of any sort)
Shopping (for car/bike spares)
Pizza delivery
Fixing something that doesn't immediately fall apart again
Having £50.00 "Mad money" in his wallet

[BrilloPad]

Q. Why do women like orgasms?
A. It gives them another opportunity to moan.

[BrilloPad]

When Stalin completed 25 years of his rule over Russia, he wanted a special
postage stamp issued, with his picture on it.

He so instructed the Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of
international quality.

The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that
the stamp was not sticking properly, and become furious.

He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the
matter.

The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported
on the problem to Stalin.

He said:"Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is,
our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"

[BrilloPad]

Who are all these depleted ukrainians ?