Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, No animals allowed
except for Seeing Eye Dogs? Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the
blind person?

[BrilloPad]

Dracula is walking down the street one night when he hears a
noise behind him.

He turns round but not before he is hit on the back of the
head by a slice of pork pie.

"Odd" he thinks, but carries son walking and searching for
nubile virgins to nibble at.

A moment later he hears the same noise and is hit on the head
with piece of quiche. HE looks about but can't see who threw
it.

A little later he is hit, very hard, by a smoked salmon
sandwich. Whipping round he catches sight of a blonde
schoolgirl who has obviously just thrown the sandwich. "Oi"
he shouts "who do you think you are". She replies

"I'm Buffet the Vampire Slayer"

[BrilloPad]

The following is an actual excerpt from this month's Forbes Magazine:

Please make sure you read this carefully. It may change the way you think
about your life and career.

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo,and when
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that
are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved
by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the
slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent
epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol
kills off brain cells,it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells
first.

Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells,
constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The
result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link
between all weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains
why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married,
most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new
graduates.

Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic
consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve
during their college years.

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological
edge, we must not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff
that pint.

Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't
deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and
be all that you can be.

Forward this to all of your friends, acquaintances and coworkers who may
be in danger of losing their edge. What more can we do??

SEE YOU ALL AT THE BAR!!!!!!

[BrilloPad]

A competition was recently held to find out the most embarrassing
moments in people's lives. The following are the four finalists:

Fourth Place

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able
to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance
from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving
herself right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked
me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you
don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing
Daddy's pee-pee last night!".

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing I mustered the last of my
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last
thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of
laughter.

Third Place

It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home,but
my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend
over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love,
we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my
girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we
didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.
When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on
and a whole crowd of people yelled "SURPRISE!". My entire family,
aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were
standing there ! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state
of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since
then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again.

Second Place

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally
got up to the checker, she learned that one of the items had no price
tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the public
address
system and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE
THIRTEEN.TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the
rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for
"Thumbtacks".In a very business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the
public address system;"DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR
THUMB OR THE KIND THAT YOU BELT IN WITH A HAMMER?"


And the Winner ......

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose
levels found in semen. A young female (freshman), raised her hand and
asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose
in male semen, as in sugar?" "That's correct." responded the
professor, going on to add much statistical data. Raising her hand
again, the sweet young thing asked, "Then why doesn't it taste
sweet?" After a stunned silence,the whole class burst out laughing,
the poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she
had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked
up her books without a word and walked out of the class, and never
returned. However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's
reply was a classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question,
"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the
tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!"

[BrilloPad]

JOCK THE PAINTER

There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested
in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint
to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually
the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the
painting of one of their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid, and because
his price was so low, he got the job.

And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks,
and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with
turpentine.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly
completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and
the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint
from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land
on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the
thinned and useless paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so
he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I
do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...
"Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more!"

[BrilloPad]

Another only in America.

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million
severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a
gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear
gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them,
shouting "Please come out and give yourself up".

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced
him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper
then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money
in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the
store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police
showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man
in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll
shoot,"the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the
doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a
Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to
simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his
pocket.
(hellllllloooooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour
east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a
problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new
22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was
very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was
applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to
a nearby marina,thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A
thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The
engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct
size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check
underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under
the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

[BrilloPad]

Three chinamen are at the Pearly Gates and want to come in.

God says to the first 'Only strong people are allowed in here. Pick up
that rock and raise it above your head.' The first chinaman grunts and
groans but finally manages to raise it above his head.
'You may enter,' says God.

He asks the second chinaman to do the same. Again lots of huffing and
puffing but he just manages to do it so is allowed into Heaven.

The third chinaman tries to lift the rock but can't even get it off the
ground. He tries for a couple of minutes but collapses in a heap on the
floor.

God looks at him and says 'You are the weakest chink. Goodbye.'

[BrilloPad]

During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate
ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew
screaming "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right
on 'Charlie' taxi way; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there.
I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right".

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to
sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you
to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour
and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how
I Tell you. You got that, US Air 2771??"

Naturally, the 'ground control' frequency went terribly silent until an
unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you
once?"

[BrilloPad]

Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead
Prince, she sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her
front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
years?"

The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life
since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: I
wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was
stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the
edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother
replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second
wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young
and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish became reality,
and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside
her that had been dormant for years. A long forgotten vigor and vitality
began to course through her.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall
you have?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,"I wish
for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man".

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological
make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man, so beautiful the
likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen,so fair indeed that
birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your
new life."

And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she
had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her
rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he
whispered, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"

[BrilloPad]

jokes for girls...

whats got six sides and is very hairy?
a pubic cube

what do you get when you cross and onion with a donkey?
a piece of ass that makes your eyes water

how do you know if your boyfriends a complete ******?
he shouts his own name when he comes

whats the difference between a man and an opal fruit
men dont come in 4 fruity flavours

why were men given slightly larger brains than dogs?
so they dont hump womens legs at cocktail parties

My husband told me that black underwear turned him on.
So I didnt wash his for three whole months.