• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!

Nelson

Collapse
X
  •  
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Nelson

    Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."


    Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."


    Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
    meaning of this?"


    Hardy: "Sorry sir?"


    Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or
    her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
    persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"


    Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
    opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting
    'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."


    Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."


    Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-
    free working environments."


    Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
    mainbrace to steel the men before battle."


    Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
    Government's policy on binge drinking."


    Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with
    it . full speed ahead."


    Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
    stretch of water."


    Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
    history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
    nest please."


    Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."


    Nelson: "What?"


    Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
    harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They
    won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."


    Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."


    Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle
    Admiral."


    Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."


    Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-
    free environment for the differently abled."


    Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I
    refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of
    admiral by playing the disability card."


    Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented
    in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."


    Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."


    Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
    let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
    anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"


    Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
    the men to stand by to engage the enemy."


    Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."


    Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"


    Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
    charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
    legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."


    Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"


    Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."


    Nelson: "We're not?"


    Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
    now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be
    in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
    compensation."


    Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."


    Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
    saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."


    Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
    King."


    Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
    age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your
    life"


    Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
    sodomy and the lash?"


    Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
    corporal punishment."


    Nelson: "What about sodomy?"


    Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."


    Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."

    #2
    Brilliant!!

    Comment


      #3
      They read out an interesting (and genuine) job advert on The News Quiz last week. Not sure of the exact wording but it was something like this:

      Racial Incidents Co-ordinator - Kent

      Racial Incidents Co-ordinator required. You will be responsible for co-ordinating racial incidents throughout Kent.

      Comment


        #4
        fantastic -
        "Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience". Mark Twain

        Comment


          #5
          Really rather good!
          Insanity: repeating the same actions, but expecting different results.
          threadeds website, and here's my blog.

          Comment


            #6
            Originally posted by dang65
            They read out an interesting (and genuine) job advert on The News Quiz last week. Not sure of the exact wording but it was something like this:

            Racial Incidents Co-ordinator - Kent

            Racial Incidents Co-ordinator required. You will be responsible for co-ordinating racial incidents throughout Kent.
            That is bizarre. I haven't listened to the News Quiz for at least five years, but while tuning my car radio the other day I heard about a minute of Radio 4, and caught that bit.

            It must be a sign!

            Comment


              #7
              Sockpuppet, that was very good.

              Comment


                #8
                brilliant

                Comment


                  #9
                  Sockpuppet,

                  Not sure if Richard Littlejohn plagarised from you, or the other way round, but this was in his column recently, word for word.

                  :-)

                  edit..or perhaps your RL ?
                  Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

                  C.S. Lewis

                  Comment

                  Working...
                  X