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1. How to be a real woman:
Spend an inordinate amount of time on personal grooming.
Make sure you dress in a way that makes you look feminine, otherwise people will be confused or dislike you immediately.
Cogitate only on matters of beauty, clothes, "fashion", celebrities and weight-loss.
Don't bother trying to write or practice any form of art – there's no point because it will only be a pathetic production compared to the greats like Shakespeare, Hemingway and other lionised white men, and anyway it will leave you no time for grooming and then you won't be able to find your man. If you DO engage in any cultural productions, it will immediately be classed as women's work or feminist politics, not real art. However, if you accept that fact, embrace feminism and create strong, oppositional art and activism, you will be labelled an angry radical man-hater and no one in their right mind will take you seriously, so don't bother.
Do not in any situation speak your mind. In fact, don't have opinions about anything; it makes life easier. Hide your feelings, especially if they are angry or negative feelings– no one likes an uppity girl. Conversely, do not express too much joy or happiness: you will be perceived as hysterical.
Smile as much as possible (if you don't want strange men telling you to "Smile!" while you go about your daily business).
Don't be too ambitious. Your ambitions are probably crushed and warped anyway, but if you are bright and have ambition, train yourself not to bother succeeding because, in most lines of work, it is twenty times more difficult from women to succeed than it is for men, and you will only get paid half as much as men do anyway. If, however, you insist on having a decent career then you have no choice but to become like Condoleeza Rice and have only one singular-minded focus on success. No lovers, no family, no social life for you. And given this dire lifestyle, you will have to embrace conservative values to supress any urge for real freedom, like Condoleeza Rice. Given this prospect, it is better to just leave the arena of career and success up to your future husband.
Don't ask for what you want in bed; try at all costs to please you man because then there is more chance he will commit. Don't worry about not having orgasms, real women have a pervasive and diffuse sexuality, so you don't need to have an orgasm every time. If it is impossible for you to orgasm during intercourse, because of the lack of clitoral stimulation, on no accounts must you masturbate during sex, as this will make your man feel usurped. Rather fake an orgasm or tell him it doesn't matter, you enjoy doing it anyway. Don't ask for oral sex, but give him head freely and spontaneously as much as possible. If you must have oral sex, make sure you first remove your pubic hair, or at the very least trim it.
On the other hand, if you have multiple orgasms or ejaculate when you orgasm, make sure you only do this alone, as ejaculating with your man will make him feel scared and disempowered. You must however worship his semen: if you feel like giving him a treat, let him ejaculate on your face and body and pretend to get off on it. Don't ever suggest playing with sex toys unless he asks for it.
If you are unlucky enough to be single, don't sleep with anyone. If you are horny and want to ****, DO NOT under any circumstances go out and find a man (or, God forbid, a woman). Stay at home and do your nails, or phone your girlfriends for chats about men – that should satisfy you for a while. This diginified behaviour will also save you from having to lie when your boyfriend asks you how many people you've ****ed. (Remember that a man will feel threatened and insecure if he has had fewer partners than you). If you cannot control yourself and have a one night stand or **** someone you shouldn't, then for God's sake keep it a secret: it's nothing to be proud of and no-one likes a slut. Oh, and if you DO masturbate, then don't tell anyone, ever.
2. How to be a real gay man:
You must choose whether you want to be gay man or a real man. If you cannot force yourself to be in a normal heterosexual relationship, then keep your homosexual activities discreet and hidden: the knowledge could offend heterosexual people. If you must engage in same-sex erotic activities, do not talk about it as it will frighten and confuse straight people (even though they talk about heterosexual sex loudly, proudly and obsessively).
Don't forget that Jesus has saved thousands of men from this life of deviance: even if you are not religious, try to convert to one or other religion to channel your sexual desires into wholesome spiritual pursuits, and if you let Him, God can cure you of your disturbing and wayward condition. It's called sublimation, and it has worked for society for a long time now.
3. How to be a real man:
Do whatever the **** you want – with the exception of being openly homosexual.
4. How to be a real lesbian:
Don't! It will hurt your parents' feelings and you might get raped if anyone finds out.
1. How to be a real woman:
Spend an inordinate amount of time on personal grooming.
Make sure you dress in a way that makes you look feminine, otherwise people will be confused or dislike you immediately.
Cogitate only on matters of beauty, clothes, "fashion", celebrities and weight-loss.
Don't bother trying to write or practice any form of art – there's no point because it will only be a pathetic production compared to the greats like Shakespeare, Hemingway and other lionised white men, and anyway it will leave you no time for grooming and then you won't be able to find your man. If you DO engage in any cultural productions, it will immediately be classed as women's work or feminist politics, not real art. However, if you accept that fact, embrace feminism and create strong, oppositional art and activism, you will be labelled an angry radical man-hater and no one in their right mind will take you seriously, so don't bother.
Do not in any situation speak your mind. In fact, don't have opinions about anything; it makes life easier. Hide your feelings, especially if they are angry or negative feelings– no one likes an uppity girl. Conversely, do not express too much joy or happiness: you will be perceived as hysterical.
Smile as much as possible (if you don't want strange men telling you to "Smile!" while you go about your daily business).
Don't be too ambitious. Your ambitions are probably crushed and warped anyway, but if you are bright and have ambition, train yourself not to bother succeeding because, in most lines of work, it is twenty times more difficult from women to succeed than it is for men, and you will only get paid half as much as men do anyway. If, however, you insist on having a decent career then you have no choice but to become like Condoleeza Rice and have only one singular-minded focus on success. No lovers, no family, no social life for you. And given this dire lifestyle, you will have to embrace conservative values to supress any urge for real freedom, like Condoleeza Rice. Given this prospect, it is better to just leave the arena of career and success up to your future husband.
Don't ask for what you want in bed; try at all costs to please you man because then there is more chance he will commit. Don't worry about not having orgasms, real women have a pervasive and diffuse sexuality, so you don't need to have an orgasm every time. If it is impossible for you to orgasm during intercourse, because of the lack of clitoral stimulation, on no accounts must you masturbate during sex, as this will make your man feel usurped. Rather fake an orgasm or tell him it doesn't matter, you enjoy doing it anyway. Don't ask for oral sex, but give him head freely and spontaneously as much as possible. If you must have oral sex, make sure you first remove your pubic hair, or at the very least trim it.
On the other hand, if you have multiple orgasms or ejaculate when you orgasm, make sure you only do this alone, as ejaculating with your man will make him feel scared and disempowered. You must however worship his semen: if you feel like giving him a treat, let him ejaculate on your face and body and pretend to get off on it. Don't ever suggest playing with sex toys unless he asks for it.
If you are unlucky enough to be single, don't sleep with anyone. If you are horny and want to ****, DO NOT under any circumstances go out and find a man (or, God forbid, a woman). Stay at home and do your nails, or phone your girlfriends for chats about men – that should satisfy you for a while. This diginified behaviour will also save you from having to lie when your boyfriend asks you how many people you've ****ed. (Remember that a man will feel threatened and insecure if he has had fewer partners than you). If you cannot control yourself and have a one night stand or **** someone you shouldn't, then for God's sake keep it a secret: it's nothing to be proud of and no-one likes a slut. Oh, and if you DO masturbate, then don't tell anyone, ever.
2. How to be a real gay man:
You must choose whether you want to be gay man or a real man. If you cannot force yourself to be in a normal heterosexual relationship, then keep your homosexual activities discreet and hidden: the knowledge could offend heterosexual people. If you must engage in same-sex erotic activities, do not talk about it as it will frighten and confuse straight people (even though they talk about heterosexual sex loudly, proudly and obsessively).
Don't forget that Jesus has saved thousands of men from this life of deviance: even if you are not religious, try to convert to one or other religion to channel your sexual desires into wholesome spiritual pursuits, and if you let Him, God can cure you of your disturbing and wayward condition. It's called sublimation, and it has worked for society for a long time now.
3. How to be a real man:
Do whatever the **** you want – with the exception of being openly homosexual.
4. How to be a real lesbian:
Don't! It will hurt your parents' feelings and you might get raped if anyone finds out.
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