AUSTRALIA
Which Englishman has not dreamt of emigrating to this
cultural paradise with it's glorious climate, subtropical
contrasts, sun kissed beaches and Opera House?
The Men
All the foul mouthed, muscle headed Australian heterosexuals
are over here writing novels and shop-lifting. The men left
at home are largely homosexuals, transvestites and
collectors of decadent Viennese Art. All the women look
like Olivia Newton-John, but so do all the men. Sydney, in
fact, not San Francisco, is the drag capital of the world.
The parade of blond, muscle-bound, homosexual men on Bondi
and Kirribillee is internationally famous, but less
adequately built Englishmen in these locations may yet do
well simply by offering to oil the topless girls, whether or
not they are accompanied by their 'gayboy'. If he attempts
to interfere, push him gently but firmly aside - their
musculature is strictly for show.
The evolutionary effect of this widespread inversion and
surfboard bonding is that it now takes an average of eight
Australian men to satisfy one woman. This results in the
practice known as 'next cab off the rank'. An English girl
who couples with an Australian should know that she will be
expected to oblige consecutively his peers as well, up to
the number of eight. The phenomenon also accounts for
Australia's all-white immigration party, for fear of
spoiling the domestic market with unfair competition.
The Women
The gratitude of Australian women brought to a climax is
famous throughout the world and accounts for the often
substandard performance of visiting sporting teams kept up
all night by the wives of the Australian representatives.
That some English Test teams were too boss-eyed to find a
way to the wicket on recent Test tours is not to be taken to
be a matter of wonder.
Because normal Australian housewives are for the above
reasons, prepared to do anything with any foreigner who
asks, prostitution is rare. (On a recent fact finding
mission to Darwin, my investigator formed a sexual
connection with a domestic air hostess in the Nothing To
Declare queue before setting foot in Australia proper.)
However, women may be paid a modest honorarium - the unit of
currency is often a jumboburger - and this is not thought to
indicate a moral lapse?
The Most Common Form Of Sexual Activity
Casual lesbianism is often resorted to by housewives, and
their favourite practice is to smear themselves with
Vegemite at Tupperware parties and lick each other clean.
Venues For Tupperware Parties
746 Inkerman Drive, Sydney 4006
612 Marine Avenue, sydney 7070
4006 Marie Celeste Road, Melbourne (Marmite is preferred
here, Melbourne being a trifle more sophisticated than it's
brash sister, Sydney.)
Nightclubs, Bondage Bars and Venues for Meeting Dental
Hygienists
The Duke Of Devonshire ('Soft lights and candles up your
pussy'), 1347 Kings Cross, Sydney, caters for most tastes.
Visitors are welcome and most credit cards are taken.
What They Think Of Us
Handsome, raffish cavaliers whose occasional failings at the
wicket are more than compensated for by our off the seam
successes in bed.
Which Englishman has not dreamt of emigrating to this
cultural paradise with it's glorious climate, subtropical
contrasts, sun kissed beaches and Opera House?
The Men
All the foul mouthed, muscle headed Australian heterosexuals
are over here writing novels and shop-lifting. The men left
at home are largely homosexuals, transvestites and
collectors of decadent Viennese Art. All the women look
like Olivia Newton-John, but so do all the men. Sydney, in
fact, not San Francisco, is the drag capital of the world.
The parade of blond, muscle-bound, homosexual men on Bondi
and Kirribillee is internationally famous, but less
adequately built Englishmen in these locations may yet do
well simply by offering to oil the topless girls, whether or
not they are accompanied by their 'gayboy'. If he attempts
to interfere, push him gently but firmly aside - their
musculature is strictly for show.
The evolutionary effect of this widespread inversion and
surfboard bonding is that it now takes an average of eight
Australian men to satisfy one woman. This results in the
practice known as 'next cab off the rank'. An English girl
who couples with an Australian should know that she will be
expected to oblige consecutively his peers as well, up to
the number of eight. The phenomenon also accounts for
Australia's all-white immigration party, for fear of
spoiling the domestic market with unfair competition.
The Women
The gratitude of Australian women brought to a climax is
famous throughout the world and accounts for the often
substandard performance of visiting sporting teams kept up
all night by the wives of the Australian representatives.
That some English Test teams were too boss-eyed to find a
way to the wicket on recent Test tours is not to be taken to
be a matter of wonder.
Because normal Australian housewives are for the above
reasons, prepared to do anything with any foreigner who
asks, prostitution is rare. (On a recent fact finding
mission to Darwin, my investigator formed a sexual
connection with a domestic air hostess in the Nothing To
Declare queue before setting foot in Australia proper.)
However, women may be paid a modest honorarium - the unit of
currency is often a jumboburger - and this is not thought to
indicate a moral lapse?
The Most Common Form Of Sexual Activity
Casual lesbianism is often resorted to by housewives, and
their favourite practice is to smear themselves with
Vegemite at Tupperware parties and lick each other clean.
Venues For Tupperware Parties
746 Inkerman Drive, Sydney 4006
612 Marine Avenue, sydney 7070
4006 Marie Celeste Road, Melbourne (Marmite is preferred
here, Melbourne being a trifle more sophisticated than it's
brash sister, Sydney.)
Nightclubs, Bondage Bars and Venues for Meeting Dental
Hygienists
The Duke Of Devonshire ('Soft lights and candles up your
pussy'), 1347 Kings Cross, Sydney, caters for most tastes.
Visitors are welcome and most credit cards are taken.
What They Think Of Us
Handsome, raffish cavaliers whose occasional failings at the
wicket are more than compensated for by our off the seam
successes in bed.
Comment