Channel 4 now - inside the Bernard Matthews factory

[Support Monkey]

Cooked Swan is a particular favourite of mine.

Basically head down to the local river at the dead of night. You need to wear black shoes, trousers, top and a hood so they cannot see you sneak up.

Then in to the undergrowth where you sneak closer. Now. You must be careful for other predators such as foxes and the Polish(who can be quite nasty).

Once you've managed to get closer you need to use a Swan mallet. This normally consists of a large sledgehammer or f**k off big piece of wood with some lead on the end(you can find these designs in some old Victorian manuals). A quick swift downward motion 1/2/3 times should do it near the head. Now, be careful. If you cannot do it quickly there is a good chance that the Swan may alert one of its friends like Dave the Twitcher down the road or the RSPCA. Both are harmless but can kick up a commotion.

Then in a Tesco's for life bag and it's straight home and into the microwave.

Delicious.

thats very funny but unfortunately somthing thats happening all to often around my neck of the woods just lately with carcasses turning up all over the place, and also net fishing were they are clearing the rivers of fish and as you rightly point out its our european cousins who are responsible, for swans, i think as they are royaly protected we should bring back executions, a few heads on spikes along the riverbank might make them think twice

[Mich the Tester]

We shall be eating barbecued kudu, wild boar, boerewors and possibly gazelle this christmas. Probably outside a pub or on a beach.