My Dad is bigger than your Dad

[Churchill]

I can play a banjo

With your bollocks?

Thought not!

[Zippy]

Up for a duel?

Yeah. But you have to bring the handbags

[Cliphead]

With your bollocks?

Thought not!

With my teeth (without taking them out).

[Bagpuss]

Gilbert and George offered me £300k for one of my turds, I turned them down because I thought they were taking the p1ss.

[Churchill]

With my teeth (without taking them out).

Yeah but you're not as good as my Uncle Barry the banjo playing bollockist from Brighouse!

[Cliphead]

Yeah but you're not as good as my Uncle Barry the banjo playing bollockist from Brighouse!

5 or 4 string?

[Churchill]

5 or 4 string?

What? His bollocks? Not got a clue mate.

[HairyArsedBloke]

My father in one of his many drunken states bought several lots of land on the moon from that guy who laid claim to the moon from the UN. Upon his death he bequeathed them to me. I have studied these locations and have found that both the US and Russians have landed probes on some of these sites. I requested that the governments of the countries that own these probes remove them from my land or pay compensatory rent.

I now receive an annual stipend from both countries for the use of my lunar estates until they remove their structures.

Which is nice.

[nomadd]

Can anyone beat this?

Yes. I'm English. That beats all that Scottish rubbish that he posted hands-down.

Nomadd

[rsingh]

Can anyone beat this?

I'll start:

I was the youngest person in the UK to pass a cycling proficiency test, I did this despite having no arms or legs

Clever dick...