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"See, you think I give a tulip. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of a tulip? That's why I look interested." -
In case people didn't bother:
POP - "I’d just done a weight session, had a
quick shower, and was laying face down on a
gurney stark bollock naked with a towel
covering my modesty, waiting to have a warm
down massage. This was the normal routine, and
it was a proper massage place, not one of those
dodgy backstreet places where you get a blowjob
from a fifteen year-old Lithuanian). The man
who did the massaging was Frank. He oiled me up
and started on my shoulders, smoothing out the
tension, making me feel relaxed. Frank moved
onto my lower back, my body made a series of
lovely clunking noises. Frank started on the
top of my thighs and, as Frank was busy
kneading away, his hands all oily and slippery,
I sneezed really violently. My arse shot
backwards. And Frank’s thumb lodged firmly up
my brown bullet wound like a cork in a bottle.
I let out a scream. So did Frank. Frank
attempted to remove his thumb from my arsehole
but because I was suddenly (and *******
surprisingly) tense, I sort of clamped tight
round him. Frank’s thumb was stuck! I howled in
agony. Eventually Frank came free and, panting,
I rolled onto my front, towel tossed aside. And
I realised Frank was gazing in fear at my
willy. I looked down. I was harder than set
concrete. Frank must’ve tickled my prostate.
And all he said was, "You’ll be wanting some
tissues for that." I’ve never been to a gym
since." (Big Grant)
* PLOP - "When I was in my mega fit phase I
used to go every day in my two hour lunchtime.
The gym was great because it provided all the
clothes and stuff to wear so I didn’t need to
bring anything with me. I was doing some bench
presses and I strained so much that I did a
poo. A half solid poo. As I wasn’t wearing my
underwear to stop them getting all sweaty, my
poo flew straight out of the gap in my shorts
and onto the floor. Worse, this was accompanied
by a very loud raspberry. People who didn’t
have headphones turned to look at me. Some
people came over to stare and be disgusted. I
honestly thought I had snapped my farting
strings. My entire body was incandescently red
with embarrassment. Even worse, I couldn’t lift
the weights back due to being tulip-fit
weakened. Trying very hard to get the weight
from my neck and onto the hook, it happened
again. This was more diarrhoea now, and I had
managed to pump my slurry even further. It hit
the closest girl watching in the eye.
Eventually I pushed my way past the crowd, and
ran. As I left, I glanced back to see a good
half metre trail of excrement. Some less than
stout-hearted people were crying. No one said a
word. Left my stuff there. Never went back."
(powervator)Hard Brexit now!
#prayfornodeal
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