I lost my VAT Return form

[BrowneIssue]

I did my VAT sums and then found I have lost my VAT Return form. Presumably, I put it in 'a safe place'.

It is one of the forms you CANNOT download.

So I rang the nice VAT people to request a replacement and the nice Scottish chap told me to fill it in online instead.

So I have registered with HMRC and can do things online with them.

Now now have an account with HMRC. A formal relationship in a new way. I feel so dirty. Soiled and sordid. As if I had ordered an inflatible girlfriend online.

I feel like Jacquie Smith's husband. <shudder>

[Moscow Mule]

I feel like Jacquie Smith's husband. <shudder>

Please get some counseling before you try to kill yourself.

[BrowneIssue]

Welcome to Online Services

Username:

... where 'Username' is a 12 digit number.

I am NOT a number, I am a free ... oh.

Terms & Conditions

You must agree to our Terms & Conditions to use this service.

Our Terms & Conditions include your agreement that we may use any email or other address details that you supply to us as part of this service to contact you about your use of the service, or about other services provided by HMRC. We will not pass on these contact details to any third party.

What a bare-faced lie! It's out-sourced to Atos Origin, a French company.

And anyway... "Government Gateway login details found in pub car park"

[BrowneIssue]

Set up Shared Secrets

Answers to the following questions must be provided for your added security. We may ask you to confirm these answers in the future when using certain parts of the service.

These answers provide you with additional protection against unauthorised use of your account.

1st school * (6-15 characters)
Last school * (6-15 characters)
Memorable place * (6-15 characters)
Memorable date * (4 digits)
Memorable name * (6-15 characters)

Jesus ******* Christ. These are exactly the same security questions as my bank uses.

Would you agree that giving the same answers to these question here as I did for my bank account would be downright stupid? Given that I shall be making payments from that account in Gov Gateway related transactions?

[ThomasSoerensen]

remember to attach an invoice to the form - for time spent setting up your account

[BrowneIssue]

This is reminding me of when I gave up trying to use the Companies House registration:

Sorry, we are currently experiencing problems with this service

We are dealing with the problem and hope to have this service available again shortly. Please try again soon.

No, you buggers, YOU are not experiencing problems. I am.

[expat]

remember to attach an invoice to the form - for time spent setting up your account

Just who do you bill for your losing your VAT return? Must be somebody's fault.

[BrowneIssue]

Your details
Name Mr BrowneIssue
Telephone number 0666 3210 0123
Email address [email protected]
Note: This email address has not been confirmed.

That's OK, there's a [CONFIRM] button:

General Messages

You will have received an email activation message with a confirmation code when you set up the email address shown above. Enter your code below to confirm you wish to receive messages of this type on the email address shown.
Enter Confirmation code

No. I've not had the email.

That's OK, there's a "Do not have a confirmation code? [SEND NEW CODE]" button.

General Messages

[email protected]

For security reasons, we can only send out one new confirmation code for each account in any 24 hour period.

We are unable to action your request as a new code for this account has already been sent out in the last 24 hours.

I wonder if they are referring to the "Activation Code" that will be posted within the next seven days?

Does anyone test this tulip?

[ThomasSoerensen]

Mich?

[BrowneIssue]

It turns out you can fill in the online VAT Return without confirming your account. (The confirmation email has still not arrived.)

So I now have filled in the VAT Return.

You can print it out (and I definitely want to keep copy as evidence).

It takes up a page and a half of A4 to print the company address, period and the nine boxes of numbers.

If any of you lot are responsible for this system, be ashamed of yourself.

By the way, it tells you not to log out until you have received the acknowledgement of receipt. By 'receive' they mean 'when the browser window changes' - don't sit there forever waiting for an email acknowledgement that won't ever come. But would have been a useful feature.