Don’t like Masks! Ask your accountant !

[SueEllen]

To be fair, if I had £200m in the bank, I would have probably smoked a tulip load of crack by now and lost my marbles as well.

Crack - cheapskate!

[Scruff]

[Old Greg]

The six stages of becoming an anti-mask dickhead

EVER wondered how someone turns goes from normal to ranting about ‘muzzles’? Here are the stages that take them there:

Dole scroungers


The gateway drug to through-the-looking-glass lunacy is usually ‘dole scroungers’. After developing a taste for being outraged by largely made-up stuff, you’re well on their way to believing stuff that’s patently false just to feel the same buzz.


Paedos


The next 90s tabloid obsession was incensed, out-of-proportion paedophile coverage. A cause to latch onto for the ghoulish drama, but also because it’s easy to feel superior in comparison to literally the worst people in existence.


Immigration


Call it a hunch, but most anti-maskers are not likely to be big fans of immigration. This dismal fixation confirms that it’s fun to feel aggrieved even if it’s bollocks, eg the entire population of Turkey wants to move to Canterbury.


Brexit


Brexit opened the lunacy floodgates: judges are traitors, Merkel is Hitler without the Panzers, David Davis is a skilled negotiator. When you’re living in a fantasy world, it’s not a huge mental leap to believing scientists are making you wear masks as an S&M domination thing.


Pick one from: 9/11, the Illuminati, chemtrails, QAnon, Roswell, flat-earther or simulation theory


Go freeform for the penultimate stage of your journey to the far side and enjoy any one of the above. Don’t worry, they’re all on YouTube.


Anti-mask protester


After years of contrarian bulltulip, cretins now believe wearing a mask for ten minutes in Boots is government oppression. No doubt they’ll soon campaign against the draconian laws stopping you enjoying a nice glass of weedkiller.

[Old Greg]

Five places to wear your mask to rile up the gammons

EVERYONE’S wearing masks now, but do you want to raise the blood pressure of gammons even more? These five locations should outrage the already red-faced:

Pub beer garden


A double whammy of overstepping government guidelines: not only are you in the pub, which Rishi Sunak has declared a virus-free zone, but you’re outside. Any anti-snowflakes seeing you will be bloody outraged, not that their side gets outraged, it’s the liberals always being outraged, etc.


Video call


You might not physically be there with Gary from client services, but you won’t be taking any chances. Slip the mask over your face as soon as he joins the call and by 5pm you’ll be the talk of the most disgruntled people in your workplace.


A World War Two reenactment day


The only thing gammons love more than sneering at lefties is passing the day with some manly tanks. Make sure you laboriously sanitise your hands after contact with anything from the past and are overheard saying “Churchill would have worn a mask”.


Britain First rally


Turning up in a town-centre to shout incoherently about ‘protecting history’ is an experience that can be enhanced by doing all of those things in a medical-grade face mask. Everyone’s covering their faces but you’re… doing it wrong! Guaranteed to cause a cerebral aneurysm.


Their house


If you absolutely must visit your bigoted uncle, be sure to double-mask, wear gloves and drape yourself in some plastic sheeting. Pick up your cup of tea with metal tongs and thoroughly disinfect the biscuits. Stress that there is no obligation for him to wear a mask if he doesn’t want to and that above all, you respect his bravery.