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In a fit of pique, the Chancellor today threatened to scream out loud and stamp his feet before pulling Boris Johnson's hair and then holding his breath until his face goes blue if Britain should vote to Leave the EU.
Mr Osborne is clearly rattled by the fact that the latest batch of Treasury-inspired guesswork has not had the desired effect on the voting public.
A Treasury Official said " It would seem inevitable, given our latest figures, that a Brexit vote will knock the planet off its axis as well as triggering a plague of frogs".
The figures have been rubber-stamped by a whole host of fat-cat business leaders who themselves are concerned that a vote to leave will not only put a stop to the easy importing of cheap foreign labour, prepared to work for a pittance, to the detriment of indigenous workers, but may also spawn plagues, pestilence, and the re-introduction of the X Factor to peak time viewing.
As the vote draws closer, Mr Osborne has left no stone unturned in seeking the wisdom and opinions of an entire battery of experts, and is pinning many of his hopes on an eleventh hour report from Sepp Blatter on fiscal transparency to finally put people's mind at ease and help his Remain camp limp over the finishing line.
“The period of the disintegration of the European Union has begun. And the first vessel to have departed is Britain”
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