Pregnancy/Maternity Questions

[mudskipper]

To many posts in the last 24 hours to read back though but good to see that MP has posted.

Early on in my pregnancy, I got very anxious and depressed, I assumed that my life and career was going to be over - I was also doing a killer 2 hour each way commute at that point. I looked around at the other female contractors and perm's that had small children and that had recently come back from maternity leave and got some hope/faith that it would all work out and it did.

You will be fine, but I don't think things will quite pan out to your timescales - I know you think that a CM is better, and if you have the best CM in the world then great, but if your CM is busy on facebook whilst your newborn is being tortured by a naughty 10 year old mindee, how will you ever know? Your priority has to be getting the best childcare that you can - a nanny will have a minimum of 2 years training and a CM around 6 hours. I personally went down the nursery route, with a lot of recommendations for a particular nursery from the local NCT group - btw the NCT are there to support you, just ignore the breast feeding police.

I think there are lots of horror stories out there for all sorts of childcare. But most people I know have been very happy with whichever choice they've made. I went down the childminder route and couldn't have been happier with the childcare I got.

[formant]

I think there are lots of horror stories out there for all sorts of childcare. But most people I know have been very happy with whichever choice they've made. I went down the childminder route and couldn't have been happier with the childcare I got.

My thoughts exactly. Putting your children into someone else's care always takes a huge amount of trust. My stepdaughters have been with childminders and nurseries, so I already know a few good ones (and those which I wouldn't want to use for the little one).

A nanny wouldn't work for me because I'll be working from home. I'd constantly feel like checking on them. I don't think I could just ignore hearing the baby cry, thinking 'I've paid someone to take care of that', so I'd rather have childcare outside my home. Also, with both of us working flexibly we don't need full-time childcare and I don't think a nanny would be too keen on my semi-random part-time schedule (no doubt some childminders wouldn't be either). As far as the age difference goes with childminders - that would be exactly what the baby has at home with two sisters age 4 and 6.

[psychocandy]

And you think it's all choice for me? If I was in a normal job that was still going to be there when I get back, I'm sure I'd easily take 3 months off. Probably not much more because that's not how I function, but certainly more than the 2 weeks I am planning for now.

We *could* live off my other half's salary, but what a crappy life that would be - barely covering all outgoings, little extra.

Very strange how you equate amount of income or spare cash with how good or crappy your life would be.

There are people out there who struggle day to day but are perfectly happy yet you seem to think that being able to pay the bills and have extra would still be crappy.

Must admit I am surprised you married a lecturer with limited earning potential because you seem a little too focused on income and cash I must admit.

[psychocandy]

True, all I'm saying is that I'm amazed that I get slated for not wanting to be that stay-at-home partner, when clearly there are feasible alternatives. I know it's mostly mothers that stay home with the kids, and for most family's that's what makes most sense. It wouldn't work for me and I wouldn't be having a baby if that's the sort of relationship I found myself in.

I dont think anyone is saying you should be a stay at home mum. Its just a fact that you're having a baby and people here know how it goes whether you like it or not.

[psychocandy]

Or maybe not have a baby. Making babies and being ambitious dont go together.

Yep. Unfortunately, its babies or career for most people. You cant give 100% to both unfortunately.

[psychocandy]

Would you say that to a guy?

Yeh. But the fact of the matter is that women have the babies not the guy. Women do the breastfeeding also.

If your going to have kids then the woman HAS to the above. Then SOMEONE has to the rest of the stuff be it the guy or the woman. If the guy stays home to look after the baby then fair enough.

BUT, you both will not be able to focus 100% on career/earnings AND have children. Simple fact of life.

[psychocandy]

Interesting thought. It tends to be a lot more disruptive to the mother than the father tbh. it is also, usually, the father who is the higher wage earner (that is the case in my house hold at least) so if one partner has to give up work it is usually the mother.

Also, because she has normally spent longer with the baby she normally knows the baby better in terms of sleep cycles, feeding rituals etc. When we only had one my wife would also do every night feed as she could sleep when the baby slept through the day whereas I had to go to work - even though I worked from home 3 days a week.

Overall, it is not a good time for either parent to take on any kind of other responsibilities.

WHS. Facts are that generally men are the main earner - not always of course. But we're not going to get into the argument about equality are we?

[fullyautomatix]

Yep. Unfortunately, its babies or career for most people. You cant give 100% to both unfortunately.

Yep, thats how it works in this modern world of ours, but formant here is ready to buck the trend and hope it works out for her. Some of the girls have given her the answers that she wanted to hear and all is good in her world. I hope she comes back and updates us on her progress so we have a case study for future threads.

[psychocandy]

OK, yes. I do think that you are being naive. I have watched my wife being literally cut open and our child removed during an emergency procedure. Her entire abdomen was sliced open. All the muscles that you use to sit up, move, twist etc. were sliced through. You *don't* recover from that in two weeks; I'm sorry but you just don't. Not even if you are wonderwoman. Muscle takes time to grow back.

Trying to remember from when my Mrs had the same. If I remember correctly, your not even allowed to drive for certain amount of time, are you?

[MyUserName]

Trying to remember from when my Mrs had the same. If I remember correctly, your not even allowed to drive for certain amount of time, are you?

My wife's c section recovery was nothing compared recovering from the 3rd degree tear after our first. After months she went to the doctor to complain that the scarring still hurt and was told that that was healed as it gets.