10 ways to make that next meeting with all those consultants a bit more interesting...
1. Repeat every idea they express in a baby voice, while moving your hand like a chattering mouth.
2. Wear a hands-free mobile phone headset throughout. Every so often, drift off into an unrelated conversation such as: "I don't care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!"
3. Use jargon you picked up from watching "Apocalypse Now" and all those other 'Nam movies such as "what's the ETA?", "who's on recon?" and "Charlie don't surf".
4. Write the words "he FANCIES you!" on your pad and show it to the person next to you while indicating with your pen.
5. Drop meaningless and confusing consultant-speak into conversations such as: "What's the margin, Pete?" or "Can we minimise brand churn quotas through SWOT and ROI analyse."
6. Pull out a large roll of £20 notes and count them demonstratively.
7. Attempt to hypnotise the entire room using a pocket watch.
8. Respond to a serious question with: "I don't know what to say, obviously I'm flattered, but it's all happened so fast".
9. Shave one (just one) of your forearms.
10. Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When one of the consultants is prompted to interject, shout: "I AM NOT FINISHED YET".
