How to claim asylum

[thunderlizard]

Start by going somewhere with some serious problems like Afghanistan, Burma or Somalia, not where people worry that petrol might get a tad pricey, or that you might have to cut your daily rate by £50 (which is itself 5 times the worldwide average daily income).

Then do something controversial like speak in favour of democracy, or stand up to people telling you what crops you should be growing on your subsistence farm, or even just be from the wrong tribe.

All you need to do is acquire a few death threats (but without actually getting killed, if you can avoid it - that would be counterproductive). If you can get yourself tortured with power cables or chilli in the eyes, or get gang-raped until you're pregnant, then that will of course help your case. In theory the death threats should be enough, but the problem is that they are hard to prove, so you might find yourself sent back to repeat the process.

If you can do all that successfully, then I will be happy for my tax money to provide you with financial stability (I think it's about £40 a week in food vouchers) and housing (which may or may not have bolted-down furniture and bars on the windows).

[mailric]

ok, so the markets a bit down and i'm looking for a contingency plan...

i figure a good way of guaranteeing financial stability and a decent roof over my head during the credit crunchie would be to claim asylum.

My plan has not got any further than paying off some docker to let me jump aboard a cargo ship from some far and beyond country just as it docks and then claim to not understand a bloody word of what the waiting passport control guy is saying.

I figure if I could just shrug my shoulders and mutter "they'll kill me, dont send me back" for a few months, by the time they have me sussed, this whole credit crunchie business will be over.

Any more ideas?