Immediate Requirements: (all sound familiar)
Bulltulipter (3 month contract)
Bulltulipter required. You will have at least three years experience
of doing jobs for which you have no skill or aptitude, ideally in a
Unix environment. Skills to include bulltulip, ideally to politician
level, and waffle in a technical capacity. Arse-covering skills will
be an advantage. CBE (Certified Bulltulip Engineer) qualification
essential.
Liar (6 month contract)
You will be working for a prestigious, high-profile company. You
must be able to claim a degree with first-class honours, preferably
from Oxford or Cambridge, and own a car which (although impressive)
does not actually exist. You will also be required to make up stories
or explanations on the hop, so experience of police work will be
considered favourably. Ties and/or certificates are provided to add
convincing "colour" to the successful applicant's statements.
Unix Guru (Rolling one month requirement)
Candidates must have at least three of the following qualities:
(1) stupid and unusual hairstyle with goatie beard
(2) fashion taste which stopped somewhere in the mid-60's,
(3) a lifestyle quite unlike anyone else, or
(4) a habit of wearing sandals with or without socks.
The ideal applicant will also have a Californian accent. Unix
experience not essential, but some keyboard skills may be useful.
Inexperienced timewaster wanted - urgent contract.
Candidates (under 21 years of age) must be able to fill out at least six
pages of a C.V. with claims of experience and knowledge totalling a
minimum of 150 years. In addition, they must also be able to claim
involvement with hobbies which nobody in their right mind could possibly
fit into a lifestyle which included, for example, sleeping or eating. The
successful applicant will have no real skills in any category whatsoever,
but candidates will be considered providing they do not know anything
about C++ programming or Project Management.
Destruct testers required. (3 month contract, extendable to 6
months)
Clumsy, careless oafs of a naturally foolish nature must demonstrate
their ineptitude with several, briefly-held, positions. The successful
candidate will be asked to break something during the interview,
preferably in a way which the interviewer will never have thought
possible or remotely likely.
Scapegoats. (One month contract with bonus on completion.)
Conscientious and hardworking individual. Experienced in customer
support and maintenance, you will have several demonstrable skills
which can be used to show why the interviewers were right to employ
you, coupled with a complete lack of awareness regarding arse-covering.
You will work with a close-knit team of temporary contractors and will
travel from project to project tasked with the job of tidying up the
loose ends to ensure customer acceptance and satisfaction.
Timewasters, timewasters, timewasters.
Six timewasters are required for an urgent contract in the Far-East
of Scotland, to start immediately. Skills must include six months
coffee machine, three months photocopying and general administration
and a minimum of one year "between assignments".
Unskilled slapheads required for six month contract.
Must have own suit (preferably brown). Own desk, and hatstand is
provided for suitable applicants.
Lazy good-for-nothing with multiple chronic illnesses sought to
assist busy, interfering manager. Must be idle and shiftless. A
bad memory and/or dyslexia will be advantageous.
Noxious beancounter required.
Must interfere constantly and construct meaningless lists of serial
numbers and other pointless documentation. numeracy/Literacy not a
requirement, but an interest in trainspotting is essential. Bad-breath
and BO advantageous. Contract is for an initial three months and may
be extended indefinitely.
SDM, CPL, RMM?
Yes, if you are skilled in constructing/interpreting TLAs our client
wishes to talk to you. Six month rolling contract with this prestigious
network specialist.
