SHOCK * HORROR * EXPOSED
THRASH METAL HEROES UNMASKED
RSPCA Guerrilla Raid On Gorillas
Thrash Metal chart toppers Sonic Destruction are at the centre of an
animal cruelty row following a raid on a recording session by RSPCA
inspectors. The inspectors became interested in the band when an RSPCA
member, Sid Jones, overheard his son playing their 'Barf Out Your Brains'
album.
Sid Jones told us, 'I was sure I could hear the distress call of a
grizzly bear somewhere in the general racket that my son calls music.
When my son mentioned that the band record nearby I organised a raid.'
The raid was planned to coincide with the recording of a single, 'Bog
Eyes And Dandruff', a follow-up to the EP 'Eaten By A Combine' which
topped the indie charts for over a month.
RSCPA men burst into the studio as soon as they heard the first grunt and
crashing chord. What they saw horrified them. Sid Jones takes up the
story. 'We thought they just used a bear to add to the vocals. When we
got in that studio we saw the full scale of the problem. There were three
gorilla's and a chimp tied down to the floor and playing musical instru-
ments. One gorilla had his feet glued to his drum pedals. The place
stank. I don't think the place had been cleaned out for weeks.'
The RSPCA inspectors discovered Dick Devious the band's producer sitting
in the soundproof control room wearing a gasmask to protect him from the
stench. On the mixing desk in front of him lay large quantities of
amphetimine sulphate and several cans full of mixed and edited master
tapes.
It was only when the RSPCA summoned the police that the full story
emerged. Faced with a charge of possessing over a pound of 'Speed' Devious
broke down and confessed that the drugs were not for his use.
Devious named Bob Dog, supremo of Sore Ball records, as the man behind
a scheme to pump the animals full of hard drugs and record them as they
attacked musical instruments in a chemically induced frenzy.
Devious also revealed that the four animals discovered by the RSPCA
had been responsible for nearly all the products released by bands like
Napalm Death, Bolt Thrower and Unseen Terror.
The blubbering producer confirmed the RSPCA theory about a bear but
revealed the animal had been released from the studio following 'Musical
differences' resulting from it's accidental playing of a proper chord on
the guitar. 'That's when we got the chimp in,' mumbled Devious.
With Devious, Dog and a couple of recording engineers removed to police
cells, attempts were made to release the animals. At this point the
animal inspectors encountered problems as the rockin' primates insisted
on hauling themselves back into the studio for further performances.
In one final speed fuelled frenzy the animals cut 'Fascist Inspectors
Piss Off' and 'Sexy Orang Baby Go Down On Me'. With the band now returned
to their respective zoos, the royalties from their single will pay for
their upkeep.
