LORDS PUT THEIR CLAUSE INTO HOMOSEXUALS
---------------------------------------
The Lords has voted by 109 sets of false teeth to 81 hearing aids that
'heterosexuality should be positively promoted'. Many members were
almost conscious throughout a debate which lasted at least three minutes
and during which copies of 'Jenny Lives With Three Abseiling Lesbians'
were distributed. The major speeches were as follows:
Lord Girlie-Mag of Porn Empire: My noble lords, I propose this bill as
someone who has sought unceasingly to promote heterosexual values
through my publications Wankhouse, Wankfair and Playwank. It is only
natural that young children should be exposed to such educational
material at as early an age as possible. (Sound of hear-hears and
rustle of glossy magazines.)
Lord Child-Molester of Incest: Quite so! Quite so! Heterosexual values
have made this country what it is today, one in which a woman armed with
a Kalashnikov and an air-raid siren can walk the streets at night in
complete safety.
Bishop Gummer of Condom Culture: (rising into the air to the accompan-
iment of heavenly choirs) It is time that the Church of England
re-established its moral leadership and restored traditional values -
such as those of the family. Let us once more follow in the Christian
way...er, well I know Christ came from a broken home. I mean, ok, so
his mother was made pregnant by a deity who then deserted he...er,
alright, so she was made homeless and eventually shacked up with a
sugar-daddy carpenter. I realise that Christ did go round picking
up a series of men and that he lived with twelve men under one roof,
and that he took part in rituals in which he offered up his 'body'
to all those present...er, but really my Lords, were any of the
disciples called Barry of Colin? Did they appear in seamy pinko soaps
during peak family viewing? Did they set up a helpline on the rates?
Did they choose to wear check shirts and grow handlebar moustaches?
Did they insist on playing Communards records? I think not. Praise
the Lord and pass the bill!
The debate was ended by Baroness Suffragette City who swung through
the chamber chained to a rope and yelling, "vote's for women! Vote's
for women!" She was led away, but then tried to throw herself beneath
a passing tea trolley.
Late result: Civil Liberties 0, Forces of Reaction 1 (Goerring)

POLL TAX 'SECRETS' REVEALED
---------------------------

A top secret government document leaked to us has revealed the poll tax
was the invention of a crack team of civil servants. Instructed by Mrs.
Thatcher that they were to produce a tax that was regressive, divisive,
and totally unjust, they were then locked in a padded cell with liberal
quantities of magic mushrooms, neat tequila and several copies of Mein
Kampf. One week later they emerged, having written several songs for
Rick Astley and the Pet Shop Boys and bearing the legislation for
"poll-tax".
The leaked document also reveals how the poll-tax will be administered:
* Everyone over 18 will have to wear a beacon strapped to their heads.
* When the beacon begins to flash, there will be four minutes to pay
the poll-tax.
* If the tax is not paid within the specified time, a small thermo-
nuclear device will be detonated beneath the non-payer.
* There will be seven days to lodge an appeal if anyone feels they
have been unfairly 'nuked'.

What the tax will mean to you
Before After
Rich Tory with property and horse $1,379 $0
Pensioner with no teeth and sausage dog $0 $1,379
Salvador Dali Lettuce Budgie
Margaret Thatcher Votes No votes


NHS SEIZED
----------

Mrs.Thatcher was forced to seize personal control of the NHS today
when everyone in the country moved to Sweden for their health care.
"I beat the miners, now I'll beat the sick", she said at a news
conference in an abandoned hospital somewhere near you this afternoon.
She later tried unsuccessfully to teach herself liver transplantation
in a vain attempt to save her husband.