How to spot a drug user
The Magic Mushroom User
Habitat: Dingley Dell; Homeopathic remedy shops; Peace Convoys
Activities: Listening to Donovan; growing body hair; making things out of lentils
Clothing Him: Compo in 'Last of the Summer Wine'; Her: Mama Cass
Appearance: Palid from only eating Burma Railroad rations of vegan food; tangled hair; aesthetic or child bearing hips
Sample Conversation: "It's organic"
The Cannabis User
Habitat: Student halls of residence; parts of everywhere else
Activities: Worrying about what the other people are thinking; giggling about some totally unamusing remark somebody made about a friends hamster; crashing out
Clothing: All sorts, but quintessentially loose
Appearance: Average, but with bloodshot eyes
Sample Conversation: "You know, there's a lot we don't know about the pyramids."
The Speed User
Habitat: Rented, unmodernised houseshares in Harlseden
Activities: Losing teeth; talking; developing the internal organs of an 80 year old
Clothing: John Cooper Clarke drainpipe jeans to accentuate anorexic legs
Sample Conversation: "WhenIwasix(orwasitseven?)Ihadthispetdogorwasitaca t?..haha..anywayweweregoingtotheshopsandthewindble wofitsnose
The LSD User
Habitat: Filthy cooperative farmhouses in Shropshire, run down mansions in Hampstead Heath bought cheap in the 60's
Activities: Talking to God; relating to pine trees; counting the number of small stones on a pebble dash wall; seeing psychiatrists
Clothing: Charmingly idiotic
Appearance: Staring eyes which drift unsettingly, tangled hair with living creatures trapped in it, Glaikit
Sample Conversation: "Can you hear what the wallpaper is saying?
The Cocaine User
Habitat: Docklands offices made of chrome; nightclubs where gossip columnists go; big flats in Marble Arch with lots of mirrors
Activities: Sniffing; racing BMW's around the M25; holidaying in countries where children are executed
Clothing: Her; Dynasty, Him; Capital city
Appearance: Fake or real tans; pampered and corrupt; the beginnings of jowls
Sample Conversation: "God! Yes! I can do it!"
The Ecstasy User
Habitat: Parents house; any club which plays music whicgh sounds like a car alarm; orgies
Activities: Anything which involves the solar plexus; drinking orange juice and mineral water; being arrested by the police for dancing in warehouses
Clothing: Colourful bags sewn together
Appearance: Underage; skin tone is ussually spotted or glowing by virtue of extreme youth
Sample Conversation: "I honestly can't think of anyone I dislike"
The Heroin User
Habitat: Windswept council estates in Liverpool and Scotland where TV companies make film documetaries; squalid enclaves in Brixton which have been rejected by other squatters
Activities: Dying; stealing; mumbling; lying prone for several days
Clothing: Black
Appearance: Nobbly white skin (sometimes black and white when the user has AIDS lesions); pinprick pupils; a dead demeanour, sometimes literally
Sample Conversation: "Lend us a tenner, will you?"
